(og thread) Just had a Coleridge moment. i took a nap, and in that nap i was on vacation, and on that vacation i was perfectly relaxed, and then i woke up and realized that i have been chronically tense and stressed ever since covid started

My wife always loved travelling. she travelled on her own when she was broke and living on her own. she saved and scrimped for months and travelled to europe by herself

i on the other hand grew up paranoid and anxious about travel, partially bc of my family, partially bc racism,

when we got married at 22, we were both completely broke. we barely any spent money on the wedding; she wore a white prom dress and our rings cost maybe $20. we couldn’t afford wifi or a refrigerator or a bed, we saved up to buy each of those things.

over the next 5 years i would make quite a decent bit of money working in marketing for a software company. we bought air conditioning. we bought laptops. we bought a tv. we never actually renovated the house so the kitchen and electrical setup etc still give us grief

Oh and now i’m remembering that she spent the last of her savings to buy me a laptop that i could use at work. i will die for this woman.

anyway. i should’ve taken time off from work to take us on a vacation. but i never did. i was anxious and paranoid about keeping up with my colleagues, who were extremely talented, high-functioning individuals from pedigreed universities, while i was some lowly internet forum rat

i know now that if i had mentioned any of this to my colleagues, they would have said, dude, just take a vacation lmao. you should check out X and Y and Z. but I was too ashamed at the time to verbalise any of this to anyone, including probably myself

over those few years, i worked through a lot of my personal issues. i used to be a picky eater, i fixed that and taught myself to cook. I became better at communicating my needs and feelings. i taught myself time management, project management, got good at getting things done

finally, after working thru most of the last of my anxieties around money and travel and so on, i left my job, lined up some consulting work, built my audience, sold my first ebook, and booked us tickets to NYC, a honeymoon for my beloved and then, y’know. a global pandemic hit.

lots of people have it worse. people have lost loved ones, lost their jobs, are in precarious positions, some people are lonely & struggling to date. i’m one of the lucky ones. i don’t have to worry about my bills. i sell ebooks in my sleep. and i’m married to the love of my life

still, i can’t help feeling like i’ve failed her, this angel who has done so much for me. i know that ultimately the pandemic is surely temporary, and that we’ll probably be able to laugh about this 10 yrs from now. i do see the humor in it. still, i wish i could do something.