(og thread) I seldom articulate this explicitly but one of the cornerstones of my approach to peopling is “no scolding”. In fact the more urgent and important it is that I get someone to change their mind/position on something, the more clinical I believe I have to be about not dissing them
insults are for friends. I am ok joshing around and talking shit with u fuckers. politeness is for my enemies
if I attack someone directly, it ends up hardening their defenses, they dig into their positions
so the choices I give myself are, either disengage/ignore, or if I’m going to engage, summon the most genuine curiosity I can, and get them to question themselves from the inside
I have never seen a person scolded into changing their positions in a way that didn’t lead to them either coming across as dead-inside or otherwise resentful
I don’t want guilty/ashamed/miserable allies
I talk about this because…
- honestly, I am very good at it – if you’ve been following me for some time you may have even seen me do it with people, it’s a slow burn but it’s very effective
- more people could/would benefit from learning to operate similarly to this
I’ll admit that this is negotiation from a position of power and abundance, which not everyone is privileged to have. this is a “do it if you can” thing. no pressure if you can’t.
magnanimity, equanimity, etc – it’s too much to ask of others. we can only ask it of ourselves
there’s a strange dynamic that’s like
i will only face my enemy if I am willing to decide to lay down my arms and be truly curious to know him
if I wanna fight, I lose by default
if we can reach a common understanding, we win together
there are exceptions to this of course
if you’re not careful you can end up being genuinely curious about a narcissistic psychopath who strings you along for years while you end up unintentionally whitewashing/excusing them by association
this is very complicated and difficult and you can get caught up In Some Shit
I am “friends” with at least one guy who I know has done some terrible shit in his past that other people have distanced themselves from. I do think he has a path to redemption and accountability etc and I’d like to guide him there. I recognize there’s a chance I’m a naive fool.
(update 2 years later: I don’t think I’m friends with them anymore? we just drifted apart)
I mean, screw “there’s a chance”, I AM a naive fool, it is known
there’s a chance this will cost me an irrational amount
I’m thinking now of Sam and Frodo having very different POVs on Gollum
Sam believes Frodo is Good and Gollum is Bad and that’s all there is to the world
Frodo on the other hand can feel the Ring corrupting him, and sees Gollum as someone who was Once Good who has been corrupted – and he wants, needs to believe that Gollum can be redeemed – because then maybe he too can be redeemed
redemption cannot erase the past. it doesn’t undo the damage you’ve done. all you can do is own up to what you’ve done, &genuinely make amends, do better, “go forth and sin no more”. this is a process that can take years. the people who know may never forgive you. thats how it is
it takes some time and experience to learn to tell when a person is genuinely trying to do/be better, vs just parroting the boilerplate PR talking points. what you want to look for is high-cost signals of them genuinely making amends over a long period of time
and of course, if you simply want to have nothing to do with a bunch of asshole sinners that is entirely your right. no pressure, no guilt, no scolds. do what is right for you
if someone is trying to guilt/pressure you into forgiving them that’s a huge red flag