(2019 thread) there’s a sort of bullshit detector in my brain, which contains a set of beliefs about how the world works. many of these beliefs are obsolete and even outright wrong, but simply saying “this is obsolete and wrong” is insufficient to dismantle them

dismantling an obsolete/wrong belief seems to require repeated encounters with something that contradicts it, in contexts that allow me the space to recognize the contradiction, sit with it and address it. often, a new belief has to be installed to displace the old one

trying to think now of an obsolete/wrong belief that I used to have, that I have since dismantled. I know there have been several

it’s surprisingly difficult; there seems to be some sort of homeostasis effect that incinerates bad old beliefs to spare me shame and discomfort

if the difference between the old belief and the new one is primarily a degree of nuance, then it becomes very easy to subconsciously think “well then I was more or less kinda right about this all along”, and it’s easy to forget past wrong-ness

here’s one: I used to think that anybody who requested sensitivity from others (eg “please consider not using this slur”) was being weak, fragile, naive

I realize now that while this is sometimes the case, it can also actually come from a place of courage and strength

another: I think I used to think that fashion was silly, frivolous ornamentation for superficial people

I realize now that while this is sometimes the case, it can also be a profound means of expression. your aesthetics are a manifestation of your identity. full-stack living

these are relatively cerebral thoughts

the real gunk is more primal – what I used to feel guilty and ashamed about, what I was afraid of

I used to think that that I had to be a chill, happy-go-lucky, fun-loving goofball, and so I spent years oblivious to my own anxiety

the wild thing even in this chill live-tweetin’ thought-experiment-exercise is noticing how there are definitely thoughts and feelings that run away from me when I start questioning. like kids running to hide from an abusive dad returning home

kinda dark, yeah. but true

ever notice how often people seem to jump to “omg existential dread” as a proxy for talking about “deep and difficult things”? I actually think it can be sort of red herring. Existential despair is not nearly as big a deal as trauma fossilized in the body. for me, at least

interesting – even now, paying attention to my body – I can feel my heart rate rising, I can feel my stomach slightly churning. there is some fear here. and it would be very easy for me to ignore and overlook it without even realizing that that’s what I’m doing. what is the fear?

the fear I think is of simply being honest & open about the mere existence of fossilized trauma in my body. I have a meta layer of guilt & shame about that fact. If you’re open and vulnerable with people, won’t they use it as an opportunity to attack you?

Intellectually I know that’s not true – and in fact, you could say that I’ve spent ~15+ years writing and making friends and talking to people to test softer, weaker versions of that hypothesis, inching up to the bigger vulnerabilities by starting with small ones

I think I’m done talking about this for today – for anybody who feels like any of this resonates, I think reading some of The Body Keeps The Score really opened my eyes to this entire landscape that I had previously been glossing over. Real gift of a book