(Clarification: for the whole of this thread, when I say Men, I’m referring to the subset of straight men who live & operate in Menworld. There are exceptions, of course. #NotAllMen etc etc. Please don’t derail this thread with nitpicking. I’m talking very broadly, generally)

Many men grow up in Menworld, where you get bullied, mocked, beaten, threatened, etc for all sorts of minor transgressions (being too emotional, being wrong, etc). To those guys, those seem to be the rules of life; how the world works. The powerful take from the weak, etc

Many men are constantly roleplaying, trying to be manly enough to escape abuse. Part of this roleplay entails abusing others. (Think of gang initiations, where newbies are expected/coerced to rob, hurt, kill, etc. Seems extreme, but this is the model of manhood for many men)

Now here’s what I think. There IS something sincerely enriching at the heart of Manworld… but it has long been corrupted. There IS a possible healthy ideal of Manhood – I describe it as “being sensitive, smart and strong, so that you can protect and nurture others”. A good King

The good Kings, if they ever existed, appear to have mostly been lost. Perhaps they sacrificed themselves and were succeeded by corrupt sons, jealous, selfish, hungry to wield power in service of wicked ends rather than to serve and nourish others. Or perhaps they never were…?

I’m sure the Good Kings of the past were problematic in their own ways (owning slaves etc). And yet. I think often of the powerful samurai, who supposedly wept openly for their opponents, who wrote poetry, contemplated nature, loved passionately. Where are our warrior-monk-poets? (I am aware that the samurai were brutal and cruel in their own ways, don’t @ me about this point. I’m talking about a possibility for us to live into, to be better.)

While Menworld is toxic, cruel and destructive, I have another criticism. It’s BORING. It’s all posturing and no joy. It’s watching your back 24/7. It’s often defined by this constant insecurity, this fear of being hurt. Many men imprison themselves and call it fortification

Some critics of Menworld call for its complete dismantling. I respect their right to demand that. It’s understandable. But I think the human impulse for hierarchy is too strong. So I’m a reformist. I believe in Good Fathers, Bosses, Leaders – I believe a renaissance is possible

Reforming Menworld requires reforming and rehabilitating people’s entire worldviews. This is a daunting task; effectively an infinite game. I believe it is worthwhile – each person we flip makes the world a slightly better place. A Good Father can enrich generations

I described 4 components earlier: sensitivity, smarts, strength, and a desire to nurture others. Menworld can be defined primarily as a brutish cult of strength, with some sociopathic smarts. And fear. Sensitivity and nurturance are sadly misconstrued as weakness

And here we get to women. Women are treated cruelly in Menworld: with a bizarre mix of suspicion, fear, awe, desire, jealousy, loathing.

Sensitivity and nurturance are seen as “feminine” traits (which they are), and “unmanly” ones (which they are not!)

Many things going on here.

I think the 1st issue is an inability to relate. Many men are so deep into the cult of Menworld, they don’t know how to relate to women. For eg: consider the symbolism of the phallus. To many men, it’s a sacred source of power, strength. Women live without it! Scary & suspicious

It sounds silly to say it, but I think it’s true. Men would rather lose limbs than their penis. & women walk around without one to begin with!! What are their motivations?? Early Menworld psychoanalysts solipsistically assumed that women must want penises. Men still believe this

Something that can sound weird or counterintuitive: fear is really the dominant emotion at the heart of Menworld. It’s unmanly to acknowledge this, so it’s expressed as anger, greed, violence. The world (incl women) is scary, and so everything must be conquered, dominated

What’s funny-tragic is – the petty tyrants are often insecure. They often do want to be loved. (This is something you’ll often hear from abused partners – he’s a good guy really, he just loses his temper…).

But it isn’t the job of an abused family to rehabilitate the abuser.

– 2 – 

I think most thoughtful people in modern civilization would generally agree that masculinity is experiencing a bit of a crisis. Maybe it’s been a long time coming, maybe it’s part of a cycle. Whatever the case, something is “off”.

First, here’s my personal ideal of masculinity: I believe that men should be strong, smart and sensitive, so that they can create + maintain nourishing spaces that others can learn, grow and flourish in.

Imagine a world of strong, smart, sensitive men. Fathers, coaches, friends. Men supporting and uplifting others. Men challenging one another, thoughtfully, graciously. Powerful, muscular men who smile, laugh, dance, charm, listen.

Why is this not the world we already inhabit?

As a friend asked me, teary-eyed over one too many glasses of wine, “Why are fathers so lacking?”

I could start by revisiting & flipping my ideals: Men are in crisis because so many of us are weak, insensitive, stupid. Instead of aspiring to nourish and support others, we are selfishly trying to conquer. If the battle for our hearts is between love and fear… many choose fear.

It would be very selfish to focus on men’s fears & insecurities when talking about the damage men inflict on women. But if we’re having a conversation about WHY men are like this, I believe this is at the heart of it. Fear. Men are scared, confused little boys causing great damage

So… what is this fear, and where does it come from?

From what I’ve witnessed, men fear… insignificance. Impotence. Atwood said “men are afraid that women will laugh at them”, & this is true! Men want to be respected, to be looked up to, & modernity makes it harder than ever

We don’t really have any proper rites of passage these days, where a boy decisively becomes a man. (In SG, we have mandatory conscription for all 18yo boys… & yet there’s a general sense that many if not most boys remain childish.)

There’s definitely a generalized anxiety here

And then we have social expectations. Broadly speaking, boys are expected to have sex to become men. Sex, which should be an intimate affair shared between lovers, has become… almost this promethean fire that a boy must steal from a girl. Boys will beg, cajole, coerce for sex. 

I’m reminded of this ridiculous yet very revealing chat exchange between a Singaporean guy and a girl he barely knew.

“can I bed you once?”
“Can at least let me do abit? Please”

Consider the worldview this guy has, and where he got it. He’s not an exception!

This is intense motivated reasoning in action. Boys are so obsessed with the procurement of sex– they are so afraid of being virgins– that they will do anything to get it. This tunnel-vision (sorry 😂) often completely blinds them to the fact that girls&women are human beings!!!

This is dramatically worsened by the fact that boys have so little exposure to girl’s & women’s stories, POVs, concerns. The princess exists as reward for the hero, her main goal & motivation in life is to be fucked by the hero. Harrassment is charming! Boys really believe that.

However – even when we help boys appreciate girls’ POVs, fears & concerns (and we are terribly overdue with this), the problem will not be solved. Because of the intense motivated reasoning where sex is the holy grail that bestows manliness. Like Aziz, they will forget their feminism

I think we need to find ways to celebrate masculinity that are unrelated to sex. There need to be ways for boys to become men without sexual conquest.

Where I think we’re getting this wrong: when we shame boys for trying to become men. This leads to things like TRP and worse.

Boys will always want to become men. So we can’t just block existing paths, we have to design healthier ones.

I think the hashtag #MasculinitySoFragile is actually quite revealing. What makes something fragile, brittle rather than resilient, dynamic? 🤔

For material substances, its rigidity. A similar case could be made for our outdated models of masculinity, which seem to be weakly, loosely cobbled together from movies, TV shows, sports etc rather than rigorously evaluated. We need people to think, argue, debate about masculinity.

Boys will always desire status, power, and yes, sex. They will consistently, predictably make LIFE-THREATENING decisions in pursuit of this. Men (and women) looking to rehabilitate masculinity will have to acknowledge this rather than handwave it away.