2006

sigh

1. I have to learn to forgive myself and rediscover why I do things
2. Exercising for endorphins is better than exercising to look good
3. I enjoy being able to tear any maths problem in the book apart, I enjoyed understanding everything.
4. I write a lot more when I just start (instead of being intimidated by blank pages)
5. I forgot how much I actually loved to write for the sake of writing instead of getting readers,
6. I enjoy running my brain like a well-oiled machine more than winning arguments
   

im back, may 07

1. I’m more productive when I have a habit to stick to.
2. I love writing enough to come back to it over and over again despite falling off the wagon.
   

the thoughts that inspired \(n_n)/, Oct ’07

1. Surely artists of different subcultures (photographers, filmmakers, musicians) would be more receptive to each others’ work than the general public?
2. I’d like to connect such people. I scratch your back you scratch mine. It would make me very happy.
3. We should do positive things for each other.
   

What makes a show? Oct 07

1. Bad gigs hurt the music scene, because they give first-time gig-goers a bad impression
2. We have a collective responsibility to each other to weed out bad, damaging behaviour
3. Local music can be great if we all work on it together, pitching in to help instead of pointing fingers to assign blame
   

performer’s insecurity, nov 07

I feel insecure as a performer. When I wrote it, I thought it was because I wasn’t pushing myself hard enough onstage. I think the actual problem was that I didn’t practice and rehearse enough.

2008:

on judgement

It’s very easy to judge others, and I have been guilty of doing it. I’m sorry. It says more about my insecurity than anybody else’s competence.

setbacks:

1. I get very enthusiastic about something, throw myself into it, and then I fall sick and lose whatever gains I made.
   
2. This turns me off, and I decide that it was a waste of time and energy.
   
3. I then fall back into a meaningless, effortless and generally passive state of limbo, which I also justify with arguments that nobody really wants to listen to.
   
4. I’m very good at rationalizing failure.
   
5. I use “I am a big picture person” as an excuse. Everything is trivial, so fuck it.
   
6. I am quite a hedonist with little discipline, almost always choosing short term pleasure over anything else.
   
7. I have very thick skin and I don’t feel as guilty or ashamed as I often should (in the immediate social sense). But it gnaws at me over time.
   
8. I like playing music onstage.
   
9. I spend 5-6 hours every night online accomplishing nothing.
   
10. I give in to peer pressure, justifying that it’s a personal choice.
    

poker with more experienced players, may 09

1.  I have a sore lack of discipline. I’m too tight when I’m down, and too loose when I’m up.
   
2. I give up when I shouldn’t, and yet I dig myself in deeper when I should quit.
   
3. I worry too much about myself and don’t pay enough attention to other people.
   
4. I allow myself to be read and manipulated far easier than I realise.
   

why i stopped reading

I fell in love with video games, anime and teenage social life. All of that seemed more interesting than whatever I was reading about. It was so much more immediate. I’ve since rekindled an interest in books.

stuff that gets me good

1. Climaxes in music and movies (HTTYD, Paperman, Nessun Dorma)
   
2. Believable depictions of sacrifice, suffering, empowerment, loss (Transformers 2)
   
3. I get nauseated and lightheaded watching realistic depictions of violence (Prison Break, P2)
   

unrequited love

I had a strange crush on a girl, and I made a big deal about how I was content with appreciating another human being without having any sort of reciprocation. #clueless

The haze, herd mentality and effective solutions

I ruminated about a regular situation I experienced in junior college when people would squeeze through one open door, without anybody opening the other door. I then wondered if we could crowdfund some sort of solution to the Indonesian haze. On hindsight, a little naive and ignorant.

“the project”, Feb 2010

1. I’m really bad at starting and managing large projects.
   
2. I either obsess too much about a single detail at the expense of everything else, or
   
3. I try to do everything all at once, and it’s a huge mess.
   
4. With the benefit of 2014 hindsight, I think the trick is to focus on doing smaller versions of the project. If the end goal is baking a wedding cake, you start by baking a cupcake.
   

wanting to write memoirs, feb 2010

1. I wanted to write the memoirs of my life. I thought it would be an interesting writing challenge.
   
2. I believed that I wouldn’t be able to figure out what I ‘really’ ought to do until I studied my own past a little deeper.
   
3. I felt like I had stories to tell.
   
4. 2014 hindsight tells me that this stuff isn’t actually nearly as important as I thought it was. It was interesting when I was an unemployed bum, maybe, but now I have more interesting challenges to work on.
   

I am a writer, Apr 2010

I like loads of things, but writing is probably the one thing that I’ll patiently work on and rework for the rest of my life.

april 2010: with myself

1. It’s getting harder and harder for me to live with myself and my state of mediocrity.
   
2. The entire battlefield this time is ‘entirely inside my mind’- deeper than I have ever dared to reach. (Actually, on retrospect, the battlefield directly, immediately in front of me. How I choose to spend my next 5 minutes, at any given instance.)
   

may 2010: this fire burns

I made a big deal about how I was going to be all focused and productive like a heat-seeking missile. Still working on it. Must have been reading The Millionaire In The Mirror.

june 2010:

what have I learnt?

1. ideas are like viruses
   
2. context can change everything
   
3. don’t argue- ask questions instead. how should things be?
   
4. attention and focus are really important. meditate, be self-aware
   

the joy of exhaustion and menial labour

1. I like being immersed into new environments because nobody has preconceived expectations of you and you can choose to be whoever you want to be.
   
2. I always develop a reputation as a joker/clown everywhere I go
   
3. There’s a brotherhood and community spirit you only get with blue-collar workers
   
4. The shower at the end of the day, and getting into bed afterwards– bliss
   

facing up to myself is the hardest thing, aug 2010

1. I’ve gotten very good at bluffing people, bullshitting and faking my way out of things.
   
2. I bullshit myself the most. And it’s exhausting.
   
3. I want to get out of the cycle of bullshit. It’s hard. Moments of clarity like these are exceptional, and I have to use them to guide my behavior the rest of the time.
   

oct 2010: almost existential

1. I’m motivated by the idea of being able to be counted on. I’d like to help people solve their problems. To do that I’ll first have to solve my own.
   
2. My problems are structural, not intractable. They can be fixed.
   

people, nov 2010

You know what’s strange and interesting? To observe a person who had once let you in, but now shuts you out. Don’t we all do it? It’s such a complex, subtle and nuanced process. I suppose we shouldn’t trouble ourselves too much that they shut us out in the end, but be honoured and thankful that they let us in to begin with.