The following is a cleaned up transcript of a conversation I had with an older friend in 2015

Visabot: I hate that I keep getting myself into situations where other people have to baby/nanny me.

What’s the next step to fixing it?

Daily/weekly reviews.

What’s stopping you from doing them?

Ugh fields. i think… i need to tie the doing-of-reviews to the elimination of some negative belief. so rather than make it a boring painful obligation and a reminder that i’m a problem that needs managing and supervision (which is how i usually approach it). it should be a proactive thing that i’m doing because i no longer want to be a person that other people have to worry about. “you do daily reviews to become the kind of person people can count on, not worry about.”

think it’s fair to say that visabot systematically deals out shit to trigger some sort of retaliation from external reality, which is then used to justify said dealing-out-of-shit. lack of retaliation = visabot is confused and does not compute

i recognize a lot of BS elements in a lot of the things I said I cared about
a lot of things were distractions from having to deal with my own issues
so I guess I care about resolving my own issues
but I don’t want to be overly verbal or performative about that either because then it’s another silly performance
i think even until now i have never truly learned to be internally validated and to pursue internal validation

think adulthood is about effectively parenting/managing yourself, taking responsibility, etc
Visakan Veerasamy and i think inside my head, the ‘child’ is still maybe 80% in charge
Visakan Veerasamy not that the child is to be outright suppressed, i think that’s a recipe for disaster too, but it has to be an equal relationship right (or slightly unequal but fair/respectful)
Visakan Veerasamy so i’m like this tired frustrated parent inside my head

reminds me of an episode of Supernanny i once watched at my parent’s place
basically gotta wait calmly until the kid tires himself out
the problem is that the parent doesn’t know how to wait, and flits between things like “why me”, “aiyah… give in this time lah”, “so poor thing”, etc

write well, change the world with good writing