Most people are full of shit- and when I say that I mean Frankfurtian bullshit, ideas and statements that aren’t verifiably true of false.  

We’re so afraid of mistakes and being wrong that we end up with worldviews, beliefs, ideas that are “not even wrong”. 

The number one way in which I am full of shit is that I keep focusing on how OTHER people are full of shit.  

Realistically I should be suffering worse from my own bullshit that anybody else’s. 

But it’s uncomfortable to focus on my own bullshit, so it’s easier to focus on other people- a searching under streetlights or bikeshedding problem. 

Well okay how else do I bullshit myself? I’ve surely written about this before. It’s amusing how it doesn’t jump to the front of my mind immediately- it’s there but it’s like a Snitch I have to catch. Bullshit tries to defend itself and resists inquiry, resists sunlight. It’s like bedbugs in the mind, parasitic, hiding. I should maybe gross myself out with the idea of it if it serves my end-goal of being less full of shit.   

Well I think the big thing for me is that I’m bad at projecting my own productivity.  

I’m bad with schedules. Dinesh pointed this out to me when I was late to another 1-1. I was late the first 2-3 times we met. As long as I continue to be late, it will be clear that I am not serious about taking care of business. The way I do something is the way I do everything. So I need to get better at doing what I say I’m going to do. Do I want to be in bed at 11 or do I not? I do. I trust myself that I’m going to get this stuff done tomorrow. So I’m going to go to bed, and read a book to calm my mind down, and then go to bed. I trust that tomorrow I will recreate everything I need. 

I have an embarrassingly poor idea of how much work I can do in a day. What is work? I need to have this question answered before the end of my holiday.  

And this has led to constant overpromising and underdeliverring on my part, lots of anxiety and sleepless nights. 

So the way forward is actually pretty clear.  I need to measure my own output and productivity, at least loosely, and get a better sense of how much I can do in a day, how much I can promise. How long does it take me to write a blogpost? How much do I cost my team per hour, and what am I doing with that time? How should that time be best spent? What can I outsource to others? What should I stop doing? What should I be doing more of? All of these are questions I need to be answering, that I have delayed answering. Why the delay? I suppose it makes me uncomfortable and scared to find out what I’m going to find out. But there’s nothing to fear from the truth. I already know that the truth is going to be less pretty than what my ego would like to pretend it is. But reality chugs along as a function of what is true, and if I want to do more, and do better, I have to sift through my own bullshit and find out what the truth is. 

Not too sure what else there is to be said here. It’s fundamentally a really simple thing and I’m not sure if additional words actually help to move it along.