In this post, I criticize the writing of the first post on my blog, 5 years later. Here’s the original post.

2008: “I caught the second half of Ivy’s Vendetta‘s set and they were fun, catchy and had a nice feel-good vibe with a slight bit of darker, alternative edge tastefully thrown in here and there.”

That’s a really long sentence. “Here and there” is superfluous. “Fun, catchy” is also unnecessary.

2013: “I caught the second half of Ivy’s Vendetta’s set. They had a catchy feel-good vibe with a dark, alternative edge.”

—

2008: “I learnt a few things from watching their bass player! The last song really got the entire crowd up on their feet and dancing/skanking away! It was quite fun!”

Why did I keep using exclamation marks? Was I not paying attention to the overall feel of the writing, or was my attention span shorter then? Will it be ironic if I respond to three exclamation marks with three question marks?

2013: “I learnt a few things from watching their bass player. For their finale, they even got all of us on our feet, skanking away! I thoroughly enjoyed myself.”

—

2008: “The drummer blazed through a blistering and impressive drum solo that the crowd really loved!”

This sounds like something a mediocre journalist would write. If you say blazed through, then you don’t need to say blistering. Or impressive. Or that the crowd loved it. (Technically, “impressive” means “capable of impressing”, so we can reasonably assume that the crowd liked it.)

2013: “The drummer blazed through an impressive, crowd-pleasing solo.”

—

2008: “For those of you who were there but didn’t know, most of the equipment used for the show was provided by the guys from Peepshow, who were also doing the sound for most of the show.”

Needless specifics. Also, it can also be rather annoying, when you pace your sentences with commas, like this.

2013: “Peepshow provided most of the equipment and did most of the sound for all the bands performing that night.”

—

2008: “Their onstage persona and charisma is wonderful, and you can tell from the way they talk to each other that they’re really genuine about what they do and are really enjoying themselves (which shows through, and is what really matters!) Their songs are catchy with great pop sensibility and I enjoyed the vocal harmonies they had.”

Ramble, ramble, ramble. Too much noise, not enough signal. They’re a band, it’s understood they’re on stage. Charisma is good enough.  Really genuine, really enjoying, really matters, really? Catchy means got pop sensibility liao.

2013: “They’re wonderfully charismatic. I could tell from their on-stage interactions that they thoroughly love what they’re doing, and their enjoyment amplified my own. Their songs have great pop sensibility and lovely vocal harmonies.”

—

2008: “Next I believe was Vertical Rush! I caught these veterans only once before, at a Confessions show at *scape Labs and I was completely blown away. They still delivered a brilliant set! I love watching how drummer Daren really throws himself into his playing, he looks like he’s in euphoria. I was wondering why he kept that cute little drumstick pouch on his bag until i saw the sticks flying from his hands when he pummelled the hi-hat. Very emotional and very entertaining. Guitarist Marcus was a pleasure to watch too, his lead playing was awesome and the way he threw his whole being into what he was doing was amazing. I’m not sure what effects he uses but there’s some sort of delay thing that gives this really haunting vibe, it’s brilliant. I loved the song Angels or something like that, the buildup and the vibe was really powerful and emotional for me and I could really feel it from the band. Awesome song.”

Okay lah, it’s kind of cute how earnest I was back then. I was 17 and very excitable. I’m actually completely okay with this entire passage, though I’d probably have written it differently this time around. Then and again, I would have experienced it differently this time around. I like this piece of writing. Mental note-to-self to use this as reference material when I want to write teenage characters.

2013: I don’t want to rewrite this, but okay:

“It was my second time watching Vertical Rush, and they blew me again with the force of their passion. Their drummer Daren had a quiver of drumsticks on his back, just to replace the occasional runaway drumstick (which he does deftly, without missing a beat). That’s how intense these guys are. Guitarist Marcus was equally pleasurable to watch, with his haunting delays and tasteful lead playing. The whole band worked together seamlessly to create (for themselves, as well as for the audience) what might be described as a religious experience.”

—

2008: “It was my first time catching Amateur Takes Control and it was really great stuff. The textures and emotional buildups in their music was really enjoyable and touching. I particularly enjoyed the last song, which had Bong from Trella joining in at the climax of the song with screamo vocals, which were actually quite tasteful and added to the song.”

Textures and emotional buildups, enjoyable and touching, quite tasteful and added to the song… you’re using “and” way too much, in an attempt to capture as much as possible. Don’t say “It was really great stuff” ever, in any review- show us why it’s great. Also, the last line, if you pay attention, has you writing a long sentences, using way too many commas.

2013: “It was my first time catching Amateur Takes Control, and I enjoyed it. The textures and buildups in their music touched me emotionally. I particularly loved their last song, which had screamo vocals (courtesy of Bong from Trella) at its climax. Not usually my thing, but I found it tasteful and it added to the song.”

—

2008: “B-Quartet was very refreshing and awesome. I hadn’t caught these guys in 2 years or so (though we did run into them once at Wee Lee Aljuned jamming) and they’ve changed alot in a good way. Their experimental sound and Bani Haykal’s eccentric stage persona is really something special, and ORIGINAL. They don’t fall into the trap of trying to be deep and sophisticated and “cheem” for the sake of it- it really adds to the vibe and it really does feel like they’re doing what they’re doing because it’s the way it’s supposed to be. Had to love the little jokes like “since we’ve got an encore, we’ll play you The Teardown Song which involves us packing up our equipment for 10 minutes while The Great Spy Experiment sets up”. Their set was as long as every other bands but it felt way too short. Their EP launch will be at The Arts House in February, looking forward to it!

Aiyoh so many words. Teenage excitement. Needs more pauses. Where got time.

2013:“B-Quartet was very refreshing. I hadn’t caught them in over 2 years (aside from a brief, serendipitous encounter in a jamming studio), and they’ve changed a lot since! Bani Haykal’s eccentric stage persona and the band’s experimental sound felt genuine, not superficially sophisticated. Their set was just as long as everybody else’s, but it felt way too short.

(Memorable quip:  “Since we’ve got an encore, we’ll play you The Teardown Song which involves us packing up our equipment for 10 minutes while The Great Spy Experiment sets up.”)”

—

2008: If it was your first time catching The Great Spy Experiment (it was for a new friend I met at the show), you’d know something was up when you saw the huge crowd standing up and filling out the entire venue until it became impossible to see anything. After playing on big stages like Lime Sonic Bang and ZoukOut, Saiful and gang resoundingly proved that they could still play a cosy, intimate set with the audience less than an arm’s length away and blow everybody’s minds. Everybody was dancing and singing along at the top of their lungs and it was really a magical experience. It’s become clear that GSE’s music has reached iconic status in the local scene and will be remembered for a long time to come.

“After playing on big stages like… Saiful and gang resoundingly proved…”, “It’s become clear that GSE’s music has reached iconic status…” Ew. Anybody who reads anything like that instantly begins to drift away to la-la-land. It’s tacky.

2013:  “If it was your first time catching GSE (as it was for a new friend I had just met), you’d have realized something was up when the crowd began to swell, filling the venue to maximum capacity. GSE had previously been playing large stages like Lime Sonic Bang and ZoukOut, yet it was clear that they were equally comfortable playing a sweaty, intimate set with the audience a mere arm’s length away.

Everybody was dancing and singing along at the top of their lungs and it was a magical experience. It was clear to me, from this gig, that nobody was going to forget GSE anytime soon.”

—

PS: I didn’t mention this in the review, but revisiting it brings back memories. I remember the smiles of gratitude on the band’s faces. I remember how happy and thankful everybody was just to be participating in that moment. I remember witnessing the band taking it all in- the powerful response from a loving audience, singing back to them what they had been tirelessly putting out into the world. This was why I love Singapore music, this is why I believe magic is possible, even here on our straitlaced shores.