I’m noticing an increase in hits coming from people searching for information on students taking their A Levels as private candidates- some people want to know things like “Are private candidates’ papers marked separately” (I have no idea, but I’ll try and find out.)

It never occurred to me that this would be an interesting topic- but on hindsight, it makes perfect sense. Lots of people are dissatisfied with their exam results- I think primarily because most of us know that we could’ve done better. (Well, if you want to argue semantics- we did the best we could given the state we were in, but we are now aware of ‘superior’ states for achieving our intended goals… convenient shorthand is- we could have done better, lah.)

So I’ll make it a point to write about my experiences and thoughts more often.

I was on one of my scheduled breaks today while I was studying- I use a pomodoro system where I work in 25 minute cycles followed by 5 minute rest breaks- and after 3-5 cycles I take longer breaks, out of necessity. This has been working for me moderately well so far.

I was feeling rather edgy, so I stepped out for a smoke. As I was smoking though, I realized that my edginess wasn’t going away. There was a certain need that I had to fulfill, a certain craving that I had, and it wasn’t going away. My body was “itchy” from the inside. I presumed it was a nervous system thing (which is what nicotine and caffeine affect), and perhaps it was- but the cigarette did little to allay it.

I realized what it was- I needed to run. Of course, I didn’t need to run the way we need to breathe, drink, eat and sleep- but I felt a strong craving for a run. Does that make sense? I’m not an athlete, and I’m not sure if I experience “Runner’s High”- maybe something vaguely close, but not quite worthy of such a description. But my body was shaking and quivering ever so slightly- and the best thing to shake it off, it seemed, would have been a run.

And so, a few cycles later, I headed out for a run. And it was glorious. Well, okay, I exaggerate- but it was really good. I felt my body moving in sync with itself- not throughout the entire run, but after a slightly shaky beginning, and again towards the end. I stopped to walk about 3/4’s of the way through (usually I’d stop around the halfway mark- so this was progress), and then ran again afterwards.

I’m not very good at anything (apart from maybe writing, I hope), but I do think I notice certain patterns emerging in my music, my fitness and my writing. And this is what I noticed today during my run, which I think is an idea to reinforce:

When I’m having a great run, or a great writing session, or playing music really well- I enter a kind of ‘state’. I vaguely visualise yourself as a team of individuals working together in unison- and I am made aware of everything working perfectly, nothing going too slow or fast, too quick or fast. When I’m playing bass, I notice the beat and groove- where you’re in the pocket. When I’m typing or writing, there’s a certain rhythm about it- a certain tempo, a certain vocalization. I’m pretty sure that’s one of the most important things when it comes to writing well- how you phrase your ideas, how you pace your thoughts. You have to vary your sentence structure, but it’s not something you should be thinking about too much- the best sentences come when you’re trying to serve the idea, and they figure out for themselves what they ought to be doing. You’re mere’y a facilitator of sorts.

I think the same thing happens in my runs- I’m not a good runner yet, and I still have primarily bad form, especially when I’m starting to get tired. I don’t notice my good form, but I notice it when it begins to deteriorate- my steps get sloppy, my breathing loses its pattern, I miss my “flow”. It takes a lot more effort then. It’s a lot easier to march with a platoon of soldiers if everyone marches in step and sings in unison- because then there’s something that you’re a part of, and something that carries you- you can lose yourself in it. The same thing happens when I’m “in the zone” when I’m writing- I let my muse, my daemon, my pre-conscious- take over.  It’s the same with music. You’re not creating the song- the song is already there, if you just listen, if you just let yourself go. I’m sure the same applies to dancing, sculpting, communication of all sorts. And I’m trying to find that balance in my runs, and in my studies.

I wanted to talk about appetites- about meters. It’s interesting- non-smokers never feel a need to smoke. (Or do some of them? I wonder.) But every smoker will tell you this if you ask them- there comes a time, after your initial initiation of bumming cigarettes from others, where you begin to feel a craving for the cigarettes. It’s like a little hollow in the middle of your chest that needs to be filled- that you were never aware of before. It’s strange.

How would you describe sexual cravings to someone who’s never had them before?

I remember that I used to have “reading cravings” when I was a child. I needed to read something every night, I simply had to. I suppose that was before I had the internet to wow me with its bright lights and colours. But every so now and then, I notice something that triggers the cravings, and they come back.

I’m not completely sure how these things work. But I’d like to have appetites and cravings for:

Blogging
Keeping fit
Studying

And other stuff. I kinda missed my zone halfway through this post because I got a little distracted. Oh well. I’m going to study for a couple of cycles and then head to bed, and tomorrow will be an even more productive day. (But today was pretty good, still.)