I used to be able to stay awake in secondary school, at least most of the time. There were moments where I’d drift into micro-sleep- I remember once specific incident when it happened during a tamil lesson, and I snapped out of it, suddenly lucid. I also drifted off sometimes during Additional Mathematics- but for the most part, it was never an issue.

It was only during Junior College that I started falling asleep in class on a regular basis. Usually during math lectures. Sometimes I’d skip lectures altogether just to sleep- in my first year, when I was still in Student Council, I’d often sleep on the communal sofa- so often that people would sometimes use me as a middleman to pass things to others, because everyone seemed to notice that I was always there. Sometimes I’d sleep at the back of the school hall, where there was a cosy little niche where nobody would really notice you.

I’m not sure why I was so sleepy all the time. I mean, I’m sure I had bad sleeping habits (didn’t everyone?), but somehow that alone doesn’t seem like an adequate explanation. I wouldn’t really think very much about this until two years later, when I enlisted into the Singapore Armed Forces to do my National Service.

I was given no real responsibilities- so I slept. I often spent late nights , and some degree of experimentation led me to realize that good sleep led to a much giher qualitiy of consciousness- I’d be far more alert, and process things much, much faster- 3 to 5 times fster, in fact. It’s a qualititative change, too- there are certain things you can do with a heightened state of consciousness that you simply can’t otherwise, no matter how long or hard you try. When exhausted and sleep deprived, even basic motor skills become a challenge.

Despite all that- there were often times where my mind was light, clear, and well-rested, but I’d doze off anyway. It was a kind of boredom, a bit of apathy- a disengagement from an undesirable reality. (I was just reading today that depressed people sleep far more than others.) I can imagine how, in extreme cases, if you extrapolate this idea to represent an entire life, how some people die simply by losing the will to live, and others claw and fight tooth and nail to survive. I believe it’s a matter of having a sense of purpose.

There were moments during BMT- and right now, during my Signal Operator course- where sleep was a highly desirable option- yet often I’d find myself giving it up, either to socialize, to read or to write. Writing can trigger in me an unprecedented alertness of mind, which keeps me awake long after everyone else around me has fallen asleep. And that’s a very interesting piece of information to have.

(The other things that keep me awake are the internet and video games- both not quite as desirable or useful.) Is it a sense of purpose? I’ve been kept up really late despite insufficient sleep when having deep or critical conversations with friends- when there are emergencies, for instance. And we all know that there’s nothing that jolts you awake quite like fear, shock and panic.

I suppose I would have been able to do a lot better in school if I had thought about it more, if I built a system around it, if I turned it into a game, made it a challenge for me to overcome… but none of those thoughts were particularly available, accessible or interesting to me then. Others tried to help me- teachers, parents, mature adults and mentor figures- but it never worked. (You could argue that it DID eventually work- it was just a slow burn rather than an instant change.)

The interesting question is- could I do it to myself, if I went back in time? Of course, I will never know for sure- but then I realize that I have to reach out to others who are in the same situation today a I was then, and try to help them. In doing so, I will achieve my own personal catharsis. We’re not talking so much about simply staying awake, of course, but about giving a damn. Should one give a damn abou his or her academic life? You don’t have to, but as I’m learning in NS- you might as well make the most of it.

(2024 update: new tradeoff now is do i want to sleep when my baby is asleep, or do i want to use that time to write? decisions, decisions…)