There are no bad experiences. Getting your leg blown off would suck. Getting raped is a terrible, traumatic thing. There are few injustices more terrible than being charged for a crime you didn’t commit. All of those are terrible things that I would never wish on anybody, and if nobody ever had to go through any of that, that would be great. But these terrible things can and do still happen.
But why are they terrible? They’re terrible because they’re damaging. You damage your health, your finances, your emotional well-being. You get hurt. It hurts. If life is about pursuing happiness and maximising pleasure, then such incidences are pretty damn awful. But are they bad experiences?
No experience is inherently good or bad aside from what you choose to make of it. There are people out there who’ve had their legs blown off, been raped, and been imprisoned for crimes they did not commit (Nelson Mandela, Aung San Suu Kyi and loads of other political prisoners come to mind). They suffered. And some people never survive that kind of suffering. But others do. They not only survive, they thrive. They learn from those bitter experiences. They embrace them, accept them and transcend them.
How does that happen? I think these people realise that they have a choice- which is that they can choose how they want to feel about something. If someone says something offensive to you, you can choose not to be offended. You may feel offended, and on that you don’t have much choice (although I think you can condition yourself against it over time, with practice), but you can choose how you want to respond. And that is unbelievably empowering- perhaps the most empowering thing about the human condition altogether- the ability to have thoughts, and emotions, and to choose not to act upon them.
So what? Well, most of us go through difficult periods at several points in our lives. We get into schools or jobs that we don’t like, relationships break down. For a lot of Singaporean guys, National Service is a terrible, terrible “waste of time”. Time is only ever wasted when you decide to waste it. Sitting in an empty room doesn’t have to be a waste of time. I used to think that going to Junior College was a terrible choice and that I was suffering needlessly during my three years there. (I repeated a year.) I’m now serving my NS, and anybody will tell you that life in JC is far more interesting, exciting and an all-around “better” experience than NS. I suppose that might be true on some sort of anecdotal level. I most certainly had more opportunities in JC than in NS- but I didn’t seize them. I had more freedom, but I didn’t make use of it as well as I do now. I had more money, but I didn’t spend it as effectively as I do now. All-in-all, for me, NS is proving to be a “better” experience than JC life. But is it really? It isn’t. Neither experience is “better” than the other. The only difference is my state of mind, and the subsequent choices I make.
Think of the worst experience you’ve ever been through. The most painful, difficult, traumatising, unfair experience. Perhaps it might be the death of a loved one, or some sort of irreversible damage, betrayal, something. It must have hurt, really bad. But think about it. Was it necessarily a bad experience? As an experience, in your collection of experiences- which is what life ultimately is, really- can it really be quantified as “good” or “bad”? The most difficult experiences in your life, if faced with the right frame of mind (I’ll leave you to decide what that is for yourself), will leave you better off for it. In fact, all experience can and should leave you better off for it- if you choose to play your hand right, and act accordingly.
I’m not sure what to think about losing one’s mental faculties, though. On this I am rather divided. In itself, again, I would say it’s not inherently a good or bad experience, but it does have the additional nasty quality of impairing your ability to learn something from it, to make the most of it. Or would it? I don’t know. What do you think?
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Henry Miller
Why are you confidently asserting that “No experience is inherently good or bad aside from what you choose to make of it.” at one moment and then suddenly getting all “not sure what to think about losing one’s mental faculties”.
You knew that the premise of this entire post was wrong even before you wrote it and yet you chose to post it. Stop writing because it is obviously a corrupting experience on you.
Hi Benard!
You are correct in saying that I contradicted myself, and consciously so!
I’d like to draw your attention away from the “mistake” and try to see things from a slightly different and perhaps more refined perspective.
There is obviously a contradiction, and it is obviously intentional. Think about it a bit harder- why would I do that? Why would a musician play a dissonant note, why would a narrative have a non-happy ending?
How is this a corrupting experience? How am I corrupted?
Cheers,
Visa
It is obviously intentional in a way that insults the intelligence of the reader. People read your post expecting good reasons for a controversial position that they themselves haven’t found any for. You lured them in with promises of strong arguments only to say “gotcha, neither have I” and make them feel cheated.
Your comparisons to fiction and music are tenuous because people expect the possibilities of such dissonant and unhappy twists within certain limits. In fact, such twists are essential to our enjoyment sometimes. Unfortunately, no one expected a complete reversal of opinion after a half-assed argument that only served to reinforce the commonsense position. It’s like titling a book “How to Cure Your Cancer Now”, filling it with pseudoscientific descriptions of all sorts of snake oil, and then putting a disclaimer in the last chapter that denies the effectiveness of the remedies suggested in previous chapters.
So forgive me if I find it difficult to see this “slightly different and perhaps more refined perspective” of yours. It seems as inconsequential as the difference between “this is meaningless and stupid” and “WHAT A FUCKING WASTE OF MY TIME?!” You may call what you wrote art or humour but to the open-minded individuals who sought reasonable opinions for the other side, you are an asshat.
Perhaps you intended to start a scintillating debate by taking an extreme position. But how do you expect others to contribute in good faith when you have not done so yourself? Your writing is an exercise in self-aggrandizement that simultaneously demeans the people who read it.
Hey, I’m back!
“It is obviously intentional- insults the intelligence of the reader. People read your post expecting good reasons- lured them in with promises of strong arguments- make them feel cheated.”
How is it obvious that I’m trying to insult the intelligence of the reader? You must be really perceptive, because it isn’t even obvious to me! Why are you expecting good reasons? Why do you feel cheated? When did I ever promise you any of that? 😛
“Unfortunately, no one expected a complete reversal of opinion after a half-assed argument that only served to reinforce the commonsense position.”
A complete reversal of opinion? Really? I still think that there are no inherently bad experiences, and all I’m saying about mental illness is that I have no experience and am incapable of imagining what it would be like- that is, it is an area over which I have nothing to say.
“denies the effectiveness of the remedies suggested in previous chapters.”
Not really!
“So forgive me…”
You are most certainly forgiven, good sir. 😉
“It seems as inconsequential as the difference between “this is meaningless and stupid” and “WHAT A FUCKING WASTE OF MY TIME?!”
In which case… why did you post a comment, and why did you reply thereafter?
“Perhaps you intended to start a scintillating debate by taking an extreme position.”
Perhaps!
“Your writing is an exercise in self-aggrandizement that simultaneously demeans the people who read it.”
If you feel demeaned then I am sorry for it, and my best recommendation to you, for your own sanity, would be to stop reading my blog.
Cheers!
Visa
I wonder about your last line. In my experience, nobody who asks to be insulted actually wants to be insulted.
Nevertheless. I am torn between pity and disgust at your naivete. You assert a poorly paraphrased version of the 90-10 principle, namely, that life is what you make of it.
You seem to think that with the right mindset, the pros can outweigh the cons in any event, no matter how traumatising. This is both crude and untrue, and deeply insulting to those people who supposedly failed to make the best of things after they, say, got gang-banged.
Your attempt to write an inspirational post has failed completely because you have no empathy.
Hi Claire!
“Nobody who asks to be insulted actually wants to be insulted.”
You are correct, and yet we are not in disagreement. I do not want to be insulted- yet my definition of being insulted is different from yours. You can try and insult me, but what if I do not feel insulted by your attempt?
“I am torn between pity and disgust at your naivete.”
That’s okay!
“You seem to think that with the right mindset, the pros can outweigh the cons in any event, no matter how traumatising.”
No- I think that with the “right” mindset, one no longer really sees things in terms of pros and cons.
“This is both crude and untrue, and deeply insulting to those people who supposedly failed to make the best of things after they, say, got gang-banged.”
Ah, but who defines whether or not they failed? Me? You?
“Your attempt to write an inspirational post has failed completely because you have no empathy.”
This is not meant to inspire anybody.
Cheers,
Visa
I would like to know what you mean by the “right frame of mind”. While you state that it is up to us to decide, I feel that the reader does not get enough of a sense of your personal thoughts about these issues. What decision would allow you, personally, to be better off after being faced with brutal rape or amputation of your leg?
Could you also be more specific about how one can choose to “play your hand right” and “act accordingly” in these two situations?
Thank you!
Hi Lizhen!
Wow, are you actually interested in my personal thoughts? I’m flattered!
Suppose I get gang-raped tonight after having supper with my friends, and have one of my legs lopped off in the process. That would really suck. I would be traumatised, miserable, disturbed.
After a few months of feeling sorry for myself, I would most certainly want to make something of it. I personally would write about my experiences, because writing is cathartic for me. I would think a lot. I would think about what it means to me to have been through something so traumatic, and what would’ve changed about me. What does change? Am I defined by my resistance to violation, or my physical limbs? I’m not sure. I’m inclined to think that I am not.
We often have to lose things to appreciate what we have, it seems to be a part of the human psyche that is very difficult to transcend.
I used to play poker with my friends every week, and I’d keep track of my winnings and losses meticulously. It was a source of anxiety for me, to obsess with the details, to always try to stay ahead. Recently I’ve sort of learned to let go- or at least I’m starting to, and two games ago I lost my entire buy-in. Oddly, but I think kind of elegantly, I actually felt happier for it. After losing all my money and knowing that I was going to starve for the rest of the week, I was somehow happier than before, when I still had my money, but had no appreciation of its value. It’s hard for me to explain that. But it made me appreciate everything else. I walked out after the game with an empty wallet, but I smiled, and it felt good to be alive, to feel the fresh night air.
Of course, this doesn’t compare to extremely traumatic experiences that happen against our will. Obviously, in the poker game, I got involved because I wanted to. But you can always argue about semantics like that. Did the girl who got raped when she was drunk and half-naked and flirting with the boys deserve it? Of course she didn’t. Shouldn’t she have known what she was getting herself into? Of course she should’ve. Perhaps she did, perhaps she didn’t. I think all that is ultimately not very important.
I think what’s most important is that we accept circumstances, we accept what we cannot change, and we learn from it best as we can.
Cheers,
Visa
I get the spirit of what you’re trying to say. I agree entirely.
🙂
Visa
haha visa some of your readers are really bashing you./ well this was written a month back, but i’ve only read it now. i totally agree with this post. keep writing 🙂
That’s alright, I’m honoured that they would take the trouble to engage me as it is! Thank you!