is to face up to myself.

Because all my charm, persuasiveness, eloquence and wit is worthless against someone who is capable of calling my bluffs, e.g. me. And the difficult truth is that underneath all that, I don’t really have all that much. I can see possibilities, and think logically, sure- but not very much beyond that. I have never felt more naked, exposed and vulnerable. It is arguably the most painful, tiring and difficult process I have ever endured. I will emerge stronger than ever before. And perhaps most exciting, disturbing and frightening of all is the simple fact that once you get on this train, there is no getting off.

Nothing has changed, really. I was excited when I started and I am excited now. I’m just feeling the pain that you inevitably feel when you’re working on something- the soreness in your muscles after you hit the gym, the pent-up frustration you feel in having to be civil with people who don’t quite deserve it. It’s just so much more than anything I have ever been through, or prepared myself for. Then and again, I’ve always said that I’m an improviser who’s prepared for anything, right? Even I can’t figure out if I’m bluffing on that count. But I’m going to find out.

“Only the descent into the hell of self-knowledge can pave the way to godliness.”
–Immanuel Kant

“Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind.”
— Ralph Waldo Emerson