I’m frustrated, but not really. I’m a little bit disgusted, although I shouldn’t be. It’s getting harder and harder for me to live with myself and my state of mediocrity. I wish I could explain to you just what it is that I am feeling now- on one hand, I don’t think I have the capacity as a writer to do it justice. (Now this is making me think that it would be wonderful material for writing, but I’m digressing). But I don’t owe you an explanation. Maybe I’m trying to explain it to myself, hoping that if I explain it carefully enough and understand it well enough I can convince myself that it’s not a problem.
The interesting and ironic bit is, I’m a lot less mediocre in all respects than I was a few months ago- I’m pretty sure that my mind is functioning around at least 70-85% of its max capacity, and I’m physically the fittest I’ve been since I was 16. In both cases, I can probably think of a time where I worked harder and got more satisfying results.
As an extroverted perceiver, I typically define myself through the external world as I perceive it. I have never before felt my introverted judgement pushing so strongly. I feel like I’m bursting at the seams; that there’s someone inside of me that’s always been quietly sitting there and tolerating everything but finally deciding to wrench control. I know that there should be a balance, you don’t need to tell me that. But I’m almost curious to find out what this second side of me is like.
I’m in the same place I’ve been for the longest time, but I’ve only just realised that the walls are closing in. I will either break the chains that bind me and grow from the experience, or be crushed.
It’s terribly exciting and yet rather frightening at the same time. I’ve never allowed myself to be bound before- but perhaps I just never realised that I was all along. I’ve never been crushed before, because I’ve always been able to get back up. The entire battlefield this time is entirely inside my mind- deeper than I have ever dared to reach.
We’re at the brink. It’s showtime. We shall see.