my appetite is increasing, which is a great side effect because i’m trying to gain weight at the same time. couldn’t have hoped for better!

it’s interesting; my sense of smell is coming back. I never really noticed that it was gone- but i can smell things that are a lot more subtle, now. my lips are dry even though i drink quite a bit of water, and i have an ulcer under my lip.

i’m also quite nauseous and giddy, partially from the non-smoking and partially because i stubbed my toe really really hard yesterday >_>

i’m also breathing smoother and easier, at a subconscious level. it’s not completely obvious, but i’m definitely coughing less and i can sense less strain on my lungs. (I’ve decided that if I want to strain them, I’m going running!)

i smoked one stick with damien last night. I didn’t intend to when I met him, but eventually I just rolled one anyway. He smiled in a friendly way and said “I knew you would”, with no malice whatsoever- just a friendly gesture from buddy to buddy. It incensed me somewhat (i’m not usually ‘incensed’, but i was also irritable from not smoking to begin with)

and i felt insulted to be considered to be predictable! but then I thought about it and realised that at that point in time, in that context, he was right- and I WAS predictable, succumbing to my demons again- even though I had intended it, that didn’t change anything at all- or rather, if I pretended it did, I would be able to justify my weakness one way or another.

I refuse to be ‘predictable’ in this context. I am the master of my destiny and the captain of this ship, even if I like to bum around most of the time- i have something to prove, here.

going to the gym tomorrow, and then to wendy’s for a triple quarter pounder with cheese. MMMMM!!!

16th: 3 sticks
17th: 4 sticks
18th: 1 stick
19th: 0 sticks