New years are fun and exciting when you’re a kid, perhaps because you’re told that they’re fun and exciting- which could perhaps be said about birthdays and selected public holidays as well. For me, this continued up until I was about 16 years old, after which it started to get rather stale, predictable and… boring, really.

When you’re still in the early stages of your formal education, you have a pretty good idea about what the next year will bring. Once you’re through with it, things become different. The illusion of certainty fades. You realise with progressive clarity that you’re in the driver’s seat now, and in unfamiliar territory. Your degree of control over yourself increases, while the environment around you gets increasingly volatile as well.

Some people realise this early, some people late. Some have a thorough understanding, while others get by merely thinking that they do. The process can be exhilarating or terrifying, and for the average person I imagine it must be a combination of both. I would venture a guess that one’s position on this scale is determined by the degree of vulnerability that is felt. Some people feel relatively more or less vulnerable than others, and some people arrive at grossly inaccurate self-appraisals. (This begs the question- what is worse, a false sense of security and self-control or an exaggerated sense of vulnerability? I’m inclined to vote for the former, because it sets you up for worse than you could possibly have prepared yourself for. Both are ultimately undesirable of course, and neither should be encouraged or allowed to remain as status quo for any self-respecting individual.)

You must certainly wonder (as do I!) if all this is leading up to something. I will be honest, candid and straightforward- 2009 has made me feel much smaller than I have perhaps ever felt. I have spent many years- all my teenage life, in fact- living a “double-life” of in which I try to maintain a facade of sorts. I pretend to be capable of doing what I claim to be able to. It takes too much effort to bother to actually do anything, I reasoned, and I must have been destined for greater things. This upset my teachers, my family and anybody who ever had to work with me on any sort of project- for school or otherwise. I always got by, though, because I was absolutely certain that I was completely capable of getting anything done if I wanted to- I just didn’t want to. (Alarm bells ringing yet?) I thought that I shouldn’t have to be accountable to anybody but myself. I was always able to find friends and signs that seemed to support my decisions and world view- but who isn’t? My wake-up moment came really late- in the time leading up to my A levels, when I realised that I couldn’t even count on myself to do what was best for me- which was to invest time and energy into my studies. The day you come to grips with the fact that you are not in control of your own impulses; that’s terrifying.

So it is with great difficulty that I acknowledge that I have been living with an inflated sense of self-worth. I don’t deserve a quarter of the glory that I bask in. It unsettles me. (I feel like how Cloud from FF7 must have felt upon realising that he never qualified for SOLDIER, but was merely living a shadow of a dream of who he wished he was. He ultimately embraced his true identity, acknowledged his weaknesses, and turned out to be quite the hero after all.) Yet, all is not lost- I am developing a clearer and more accurate picture of myself than I have ever had. If anything, I am making the first few baby steps (that I should have made a long long time ago- better late then never, right?) towards personal growth and progress. And as with Cloud; just because I realise that I’m not as invulnerable as I thought I was doesn’t mean I’m going to be any less awesome. So here’s to fulfilling our individual and collective potentials- Happy 2010!

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Paramore 2010

I remember this gig well – it was my favorite band made up of people my age. I still love and care for Paramore a lot.

Josh Farro wasn’t around for this gig – I believe Taylor’s brother played. (I took a photo with him, I have it around somewhere.)

I remember feeling a little disappointed with the crowd, who seemed to be mostly young inexperienced kids who didn’t know the band very well prior to their recent success at the time.

That said, it was great to hear a couple of old songs (Pressure, for one).

I was really upset when I couldn’t catch them when they came again literally the next year (in 2011).

I’ll definitely go to catch them any time they come around. I hope Hayley has a long career and life ahead of her. Also I’d love a Josh Farro reunion.

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Slash 2010 

I believe this was another gig at Fort Canning, which, come to think of it, is actually one of my favorite venues.

My friends bought me a ticket to this gig for my birthday, which I was very happy about. It was to be my first time watching Slash. At the time, I thought seeing Axl and Slash on the same stage would never be possible, so this was going to be the next best thing.

It was my first time watching Miles Kennedy, too – I didn’t know who he was, but I was really impressed. I thought the rest of the band was pretty cool too.

That said, while Slash was cool as hell – swag, sex appeal, etc – he definitely is no Paul Gilbert.