Fallen ill- not terribly, terribly ill, but bad enough. I haven’t studied in a week, and I haven’t been to the gym for about 4 days.

The usual cyclic process with me is like this- I get very enthusiastic about something, throw myself into it, and then I fall sick and lose whatever gains I made. This turns me off, and I decide that it was a waste of time and energy. I then fall back into a meaningless, effortless and generally passive state of limbo, which I also justify with arguments that nobody really wants to listen to.

I will tell you that I am really glad I retained, because I got the chance to take a break from this pressure cooker and the opportunity to make mistakes that are best made early. I also get the sobering chance to watch everybody else suffer, and prepare myself for it better next year.

Oddly, this motivation never lasts long enough. I think it has to do with the fact that I am a big picture person who sees things like these as trivial- in the long run. On top of which I am quite a hedonist with little discipline, almost always choosing short term pleasure over anything else. (The only exceptions I can think of being my relationship with my ex-girlfriend and my commitment to my band) Thirdly, I have very thick skin and I don’t feel as guilty or ashamed as I often should.

I miss playing bass.
I miss being in love.
I miss that adrenaline rush of being on stage.
I spend 5-6 hours every night online accomplishing nothing.
I give in to peer pressure, justifying that it’s a personal choice.

Dare I say I will change the world, when I have not done much for myself?

Will it be different this time?
There is no one left to blame.
This could get exciting.
I hope,

but hope will not be enough.