I am. Billions have conspired to create me, to bring me here, right here at this moment. I am.<\/p>\n
I feel like I have awakened from an eternal slumber. How many days, weeks, months, years have gone by, with me trudging along, alone, uncertain, confused, doubtful, nervous, anxious, afraid?<\/p>\n
No more. I am.<\/p>\n
I woke up today. I was reborn today. I have shaken off (and it took a tremendous, crackle-pop-kra-TOW) all my excess baggage, all my illusions and memories and such. Some may have lingered, but that’s irrelevant.<\/p>\n
I am.<\/p>\n
I am.<\/p>\n
I exist for my own pleasure. I am flesh and blood, bones and nerves, brain and bile. I am words and songs, stories and structures, places and persons. I AM. I am a forceful reckoning. I am electric. I am alive.<\/p>\n
I shake off all the bizzare contraptions I\u00a0plugged to myself to pitifully attempt to reanimate my dullard corpse. I unplug myself from the newsfeeds and information. There is nothing I need. I AM.<\/p>\n
I find myself naked, shivering from the cold of awareness. My muscles flex, clench, relax.<\/p>\n
There is nothing that I have to say. I am writing because I have committed myself to writing, and I intend to honour my words. I will continue to write, because that is what I had decreed. I said it, and so it shall be done.<\/p>\n
And then I shall move on to doing all the other things that I have said I shall do. Because I said I would do things, and so I shall do them.<\/p>\n
It’s really that simple, isn’t it?<\/p>\n
I could sit and think for hours about how I got here. But I’m not sure if it really matters. The point is that I’m here, and while I’m here I can do anything I like.<\/p>\n
How do I get back here, when I need to? I never want to lose this sense of clarity and awareness that I possess right now. I want it again tomorrow.<\/p>\n
It will be here. I will be here. I just need to shake off the old. Old habits, old patterns. They were all a sort of dress-rehearsal for my true self, my true expression.<\/p>\n
Shake off the old. Kill the old. Be born again.<\/p>\n
I am a writer by profession, by craft. I will write stories. I have many stories within me. I will pull them out of my brain, my skin, and I will write them.<\/p>\n
I think I shall write them within these vomits. I think I am done with all the navel-gazing self-examination, I don’t think that will get me anywhere fast anytime soon. I am done with that, I feel.<\/p>\n
Perhaps tomorrow I will feel differently. But I doubt it.<\/p>\n
I must get stronger. I need to sculpt and shape my body and mind to inhabit the space that I envision for it.<\/p>\n
It’s all movement. It’s all vibrations. It’s all cause and effect. It is my mind that moves my body. And my body that, well, embodies the mind.<\/p>\n
All of this is really inelegant sputter. But if sputtering is what needs to happen, so be it. I have spent too much time afraid of being silly, afraid of making mistakes or missteps. I have paused and stopped too many things because I was frustrated or upset or angry or annoyed.<\/p>\n
No more.<\/p>\n
I will persist as light and clarity. I am clearheaded. I am a thousand burning suns. I am electricity.<\/p>\n
It is late, so when this is done I will sleep. But when I rise tomorrow, I will remind myself that I am Alive.<\/p>\n
I will no longer attempt to change the minds of others\u2013 that is, I will not seek the validation or approval of others to do what I personally, deeply believe to be true. I will do work that I am proud of. I have come far enough. I have read enough. I have listened enough. I have taste. I have sensibilities.<\/p>\n
I ascend into the arena. I am here. I am me. I am in charge. I am in control. Nobody else is responsible for who I am. Nobody else is accountable for who I am. Through a series of improbable, accidental events, I have come into existence.<\/p>\n
Now that I am here, I intend to persist. This will not be an accident. This will be deliberate. I do not need anybody’s approval. I will flourish, and my flourishing will be the expression of the answer to the endless questions that I have had prior to my reawakening.<\/p>\n
I am envious of no one. I am jealous of no one. My struggle is personal. I have no need to win anybody over to my side. I have no need to argue for anybody. I have no need to argue with anybody. Casual words are meaningless. All that matters is the actual expression, the artful application of force.<\/p>\n
How shall I apply myself? Where shall I apply myself? I already know all of this. Everything I need is already in front of me, already all around of me. The challenge is to shake off all the non-essential and prioritize the most important. And then utterly extinguish that as an expression of my dominion.<\/p>\n
My only task now is to remain electric. To be able to reinvigorate myself. To be able to come into being,\u00a0fully, clearly.<\/p>\n
And to keep writing. With fervor. Intensity.<\/p>\n
Some say you should write what you know. Others say you should write about an aspirational ideal. I think I’ll write whatever I goddamn please. What pleases me?<\/p>\n
I will concern myself with that when I’m writing again. In the meantime, it suffices to say that I am AWAKE and ALIVE and ELECTRIC, and I intend to wake up for the remainder of my days if possible. In the fullest, liveliest possible sense. Already I find myself a little distressed and disturbed that I have spent so many of my days meandering in a sort of waking slumber.<\/p>\n
But there’s no point crying over spilt milk. The question is, how am I going to stay awake? We’ll see. Goodnight.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I am. Billions have conspired to create me, to bring me here, right here at this moment. I am. I feel like I have awakened from an eternal slumber. How many days, weeks, months, years have gone by, with me trudging along, alone, uncertain, confused, doubtful, nervous, anxious, afraid? No… <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[331],"class_list":["post-9668","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-word-vomit","tag-status-update"],"yoast_head":"\n