met old friend DC today as part of our ongoing unplanned ritual of passing back some military equipment back and forth between ourselves. it was a very fruitful conversation, I found myself sighing in relief multiple times. it’s so healthy and satisfying to be in the presence of someone who is supportive, perceptive, encouraging, curious.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
i think the biggest thing that i had to come to terms with was the fact that I am a published author now. I’ve updated a few bios here and there to say “Author of FRIENDLY AMBITIOUS NERD and INTROSPECT”, which has been satisfying in a particular way. But I feel like I have more to do. Buying this laptop was part of it. There are a bunch of books I want to buy next. I was thinking, I could have a personal private library and a separate “professional” library for work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
At the highest level, I fantasize about having a large office or studio entirely to myself, with a lot of space, that I can fill with all sorts of objects, paintings, prints, sculptures etc that inspire me, and of course oodles and oodles of books that I can reference. That’s the vision, and what I’m trying to do is manifest a smaller version of that vision for me personally in the short-to-medium-term future.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
What else can I do? Another big theme that came up for me was the importance of properly grieving and\/or appreciating past states, past goals, past intentions. I think this is very important for me. Some people might be able to just move on really easily, but I’m not. I’m a very sentimental person. I want to keep thinking more and better about what all my writing projects are about. what is my twitter about? what is my substack about? what is my blog about? what are they each for? I don’t think I’ve really thought about this clearly in a while. they’re all sorta just\u2026 things i do. i have, or had, an ambitious goal with my substack to do something that I now think I’m not quite capable of doing soon, but I would like to build up the capacity to do it. I have a lot of drafts and ideas and I’d like to “air” them in front of other people. I could make tiktoks or youtube videos about them. I’d like to have done that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There was a time where I thought about my blogging almost entirely in terms of a local audience. I no longer think that way since I have an international audience now. I might make a “return” at some point, but I don’t yet particularly feel compelled to. One of the best things I can do for local friends is to demonstrate what it looks like to have an international orientation anyway. Or so it seems to me. There’s something in there about the nature of persuasion. I think I have a messy, janky understanding of persuasion. I know it well in some domains, but I haven’t yet gotten around to translating that understanding across other domains.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There was a time where I thought of using my blog as the site for a research project of my curiosities. That was\u2026 before twitter? Twitter is a better place to post half-baked thoughts than my blog, especially when there are other people who get their eyes on it. Hmm why am I not just tweeting out all my drafts? That would be an interesting solution to a particular kind of problem. A day spent doing that would probably bring relief. That feels good, that’s something that for some reason hasn’t occurred to me until I wrote this wordvomit. Which is an example of how writing wordvomits sometimes just hands me freebies. Really it’s just\u2026 giving myself time and space to allow different parts of myself to speak with each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I stil have some time and space, what else do yall (me) wanna say? There was some talk about maker visa vs manager visa, and me trying to be both people at once causing some mess. So I could just\u2026 come up with some requests from maker visa, without presuming what manager visa would say or decide. “I want to buy\u2026 10 books\u2026 20 books\u2026” I think I would say yes to that. We’d work it out, maybe some system of, 5 books a month or something. But that’s not even where I should be right now. I should just dream about what might be possible and not think about it. I would\u2026 try and get my camera set up on my computer again, because I prefer my youtube videos to be higher quality if I can manage it. What else do I want? I want\u2026 I do still want my notes cleaned up, but what does that mean? What does that look like? I think what I want is an overview that makes sense. Right? If I have an overview that makes sense, then the mess doesn’t feel so much like a mess anymore. And now I’m thinking about how I was looking through EEAAO gifs, and there was this bit where they’re in the alternate reality and the alternate not-husband says, in another life I would have really liked doing laundry and taxes with you. The interesting thing about the laundry and taxes line I think is that it makes the starting state \u2013 which seemed like a mundane, mediocre, tedious, undesirable state \u2013 into a desirable state. It’s romanticization. It’s enchantment. I would like a romanticized and enchanted perspective on my own life please.I would like to reenchant my life. I’d like to see beauty in the puzzles. I know I am capable of it “if I just applied myself” ha ha ha. Yes. Everything is beautiful. Make yourself comfortable. Everything is a story waiting to be told. You just have to see it. And lately I’ve been struggling with seeing in part because I’ve been trying way too hard to make something happen that wasn’t ready to happen. But after several sighs of relief, I think I can face my reality for what it is. It is beautiful just the way it is. It’s a work in progress. And I’m working it. And it will become better. I do know this. I do believe this. Relaxation will allow me to see it even more clearly.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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