{"id":11265,"date":"2019-11-02T19:06:30","date_gmt":"2019-11-02T19:06:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/visakanv.com\/1000\/?p=11265"},"modified":"2019-11-02T19:06:36","modified_gmt":"2019-11-02T19:06:36","slug":"0780-troubleshooting-nightmares-revisiting-my-relationship-with-authority","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/visakanv.com\/1000\/0780-troubleshooting-nightmares-revisiting-my-relationship-with-authority\/","title":{"rendered":"0780 \u2013 troubleshooting nightmares + revisiting my relationship with authority"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>I want to think out loud for a bit about some recurring dreams I&#8217;ve been having for a long time. When I look at the scattered notes that I&#8217;ve left myself about my dreams, it seems like I&#8217;m often dreaming about&#8230;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>getting thrown into prison for a crime I didn&#8217;t commit<\/li><li>being a child who gets punished by parents, teachers, other adults or authority figures <\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>I seem to get <a href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/visakanv\/status\/1150179227108401152\">nightmares when I sleep early<\/a>. I seem to find myself experiencing &#8220;<a href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/visakanv\/status\/945741482438180864\">child-like thoughts<\/a>&#8220;. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I want to fix this, and I am very open and agnostic to any method or process to solving this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I think if I really meditate on it and let the dust settle, the core issue at the heart of it all is my relationship with authority. I&#8217;m talking about power, control, autonomy, leadership, decision-making. I&#8217;ve had a <a href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/visakanv\/status\/981637431639228416\">dysfunctional relationship with authority<\/a> ever since I went to school, and I think it was compounded by the fact that <a href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/visakanv\/status\/1058978995151097856\">my girlfriend&#8217;s family didn&#8217;t approve of our relationship<\/a>. (We&#8217;ve been married 7 years now.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>So, how do I fix this? I don&#8217;t have the answers, but I have some ideas. A couple of friends have told me that <a href=\"https:\/\/twitter.com\/visakanv\/status\/1190330280264916993\">they&#8217;ve experienced some form of progress or development<\/a> in several ways. Some stopped getting certain kinds of dreams when they made changes in their life. Others have gotten better at making sense of a certain kind of dream as meaning something that&#8217;s relevant to the present circumstances. I think I can do both of those things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>So. My hypothesis is that my nightmares are rooted in my relationship with authority. I am the primary authority in my own life, I get to decide what I do. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>I no longer have a school that I have to go to, and I&#8217;m no longer beholden to my parents the way I was as a child.<\/li><li>I don&#8217;t even have a boss anymore since I left my job over a year ago \u2013 although my relationship with my boss was always great. <\/li><li>My wife is my partner \u2013 I have sometimes in the past fallen into a silly pattern of projecting my anxieties and worries onto her, and seeing her as some sort of naggy authority in my life. (I think this is something that&#8217;s also conditioned from mainstream media and wider culture, and I think it&#8217;s something to be interrogated and picked apart.)<\/li><li>I do have military commitments every year or so \u2013 and this is a source of anxiety and frustration for me. When I went for reservist training earlier this year, I had to shave and cut my hair, and this made me quite upset. But this is something that I&#8217;m not going to be able to change as long as I&#8217;m a Singaporean citizen, so I&#8217;m going to choose to approach it as a sort of meditative practice. It&#8217;s an opportunity for me to practice all of the things I know I need to practice in order to be able to better handle adversity in life.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>All of that is just context&#8230; the main thing I think is basically this \u2013 and I&#8217;ve stated this before, but it&#8217;s a <a href=\"http:\/\/visakanv.com\/1000\/0400-truth-in-boxes\/\">truth I keep in a box<\/a> \u2013 my relationship with authority was so dysfunctional that I ended up carrying it over to my relationship with myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(At this point I switched to tweeting on my alt. I&#8217;ll copy paste here:)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I&#8217;ve thought about this a lot and spent almost a million words exploring in circles around it, behind it, etc\u2026 and I think my core\/central challenge in life is this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>my relationship with authority is dysfunctional, and this spills over into my relationship with myself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I wasn&#8217;t sure before if this was really the *main* thing or the *tightest* bottleneck. seemed like it could be a bunch of other things. but I&#8217;ve experimented, tested etc and now I am confident when I say it. both my adhd and bad sleep are connected to this, amongst other things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>i&#8217;m pretty excited about being clear with myself about this. I think I know what to do to fix this, or at least make substantial progress now that I&#8217;m pretty clear about just how foundational, fundamental this is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I know intellectually that authority isn&#8217;t necessarily a bad thing, but I don&#8217;t know it in my gut I think there are other things that I&#8217;ve closed this gap on \u2013 things like &#8220;we should be kind, not needlessly combative&#8221; \u2013 that&#8217;s something I integrated fairly recently (~5 years).<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I&#8217;ve written about this before, but even here the angle is slightly off. what I&#8217;m not articulating front-and-center is that I have been conditioned to be averse to following anybody&#8217;s instruction, including my own.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I used to be a picky eater, and I fixed that. so I know I can fix this too. gotta thank past-visa(s) for that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>So. What&#8217;s next? What&#8217;s the first thing I have to do to begin to rehabilitate my relationship with myself as an authority? It&#8217;s 247am now and it&#8217;s tempting to say, quite simply, &#8220;I gotta go to bed&#8221;. Well, yeah. I&#8217;m going to do that. But what else? What next? I think I&#8217;ve been wanting to do daily reviews and things like that for a long time, and that&#8217;s the thing that I need to do, but I haven&#8217;t gotten around to doing it because at some level the idea of having more of a process just seems troubling, painful, upsetting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But I know that I&#8217;ve been doing more pullups because of my pullup project \u2013 and so I&#8217;m going to do something similar \u2013 I&#8217;m going to start keeping count of each review that I do. 1000 small acts of self-leadership. And through that I will rehabilitate my relationship with myself and with authority.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It&#8217;s strange, I feel excited even though nothing *technically* changes dramatically. I just have a slightly, oh-so-slightly different frame on how to think about this. But I feel like it&#8217;s already made a difference to me. We&#8217;ll see. I should really go to sleep now. Good night Visa!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Final thought: how will I know that I&#8217;m making progress? I don&#8217;t actually need to worry about that. Let&#8217;s get up to 100 acts first. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I want to think out loud for a bit about some recurring dreams I&#8217;ve been having for a long time. When I look at the scattered notes that I&#8217;ve left myself about my dreams, it seems like I&#8217;m often dreaming about&#8230; getting thrown into prison for a crime I didn&#8217;t&hellip; <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":11266,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-11265","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-word-vomit"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>0780 \u2013 troubleshooting nightmares + revisiting my relationship with authority - 1,000,000 words by @visakanv<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/visakanv.com\/1000\/0780-troubleshooting-nightmares-revisiting-my-relationship-with-authority\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"0780 \u2013 troubleshooting nightmares + revisiting my relationship with authority - 1,000,000 words by @visakanv\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I want to think out loud for a bit about some recurring dreams I&#8217;ve been having for a long time. 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