So, it\u2019s August 1st 2018. I slept around midnight last night, and woke up at about 645am this morning. I walked slowly to Chong Pang to have breakfast, and then home. I showered, clicked around a little bit )with the tabs I had left open). And now it\u2019s 915am. And\u2026 I\u2019m a little sleepy. Hah.<\/p>\n
The last day of June was my last day of work at my previous company.<\/p>\n
Now it\u2019s 1030; I spent the previous hour on Twitter posting images from my art dump telegram channel.<\/p>\n
I vaguely had this idea that I wanted to spend my first month decompressing. And that\u2019s more or less what I did. I slept late practically every night, at around 4am, sometimes as late as 6am, and I would wake up around 2pm, sometimes later. I don\u2019t think I had much of a problem with this. Why did I do this? I think it was my way of being alone in the dark, alone in the quiet. I want to believe that there was some sort of deeper wisdom underlying this, that my soul was healing itself. That\u2019s a nice story. But there\u2019s also a less pretty story, one that\u2019s\u2026 defined by bad habits, unhealthiness. What\u2019s the truth? Can I know it at the present moment? Probably not. So I think what\u2019s best is to just carry both possible stories with me, and focus on doing what I think is best in the present moment, and moving forward.<\/p>\n
I want to start writing like a motherfucker again. This is my first vomit on August 1st 2018. I want to write at least 1 vomit per day, every single day until the end of the year. I\u2019d like to do more than that if possible. And I believe that it\u2019s possible. But I don\u2019t know it for certain. I can\u2019t take it for granted. I want to start lifting again. I should actually go and lift right now. Or right after this word vomit. And then clean out my todo list. I want to make it a habit to update my calendar every day with whatever I\u2019m doing on any given day.<\/p>\n
I wanted to take some time to think and talk about my feelings. A thing that I noticed within a couple of days after I was done being a salaryman was that my emotions seemed a lot bigger and livelier. It was as though my subconscious had been repressing or compressing all my emotions. I didn\u2019t allow myself to be sad. I didn\u2019t allow myself to be angry. I felt very shut in, very trapped by my daily circumstances. I\u2019ve written a word vomit about this \u2013 a man lives in a box, a life of quiet desperation. I wrote this in March 2016. \u201cSometimes he fantasies about writing fiction but he never really gets around to it.\u201d Why? \u201cIt\u2019s some of the only real social interaction he has every day\u201d \u2013 why? \u201cAll options seem bleak and futile \u2013 the most probable outcome seems to be to work until death.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe wants to read big novels but finds them intimidating.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe wants to get fit but progress is slow.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s only 26 and he can\u2019t quite remember what it was like to not be tired.\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m in a place now where I get to fix all of this. I get to really sit down for days and days and ask myself why. What\u2019s going on. What am I going after. I think what I\u2019m pussyfooting around is that I\u2019m quite embarrassed by how I\u2019ve spent the past month, even though I do think I truly believe that I\u2019m entitled to have spent it that way. It just seems a little\u2026 unimaginative? Dumb? But why not be dumb for a while?<\/p>\n
This is my central challenge right now. I\u2019m trying to shed my past selves and refashion myself. I\u2019m trying to learn to trust myself. I\u2019m trying to challenge myself to be better, without getting overwhelmed with tedious emotions like guilt and shame. Keep things simple, keep things clear.<\/p>\n
I had dinner with my family yesterday, and I was again reminded of how, while I bear no ill will towards my family, my home was, to me, a really unpleasant place to be. I know there are definitely worse environments to have been in. Some people would say that I should be grateful for what I had, when there are so many people in the world in truly toxic and abusive environments. I don\u2019t think I\u2019d call my childhood either of those things. It was just\u2026 unconducive\u2026? For me to become the person I wanted to become. And I am really blessed and lucky that I was able to leave that environment. Leaving that environment, for me, was tied to marriage, and that\u2019s a whole \u2018nother can of worms. I think I\u2019ve done a fairly decent-ish job of being a decent husband. I don\u2019t know. I\u2019m probably underwhelming in some way. I don\u2019t know how to talk about any of this. I want to be honest with myself. I want to be honest with my loved ones.<\/p>\n
Anyway\u2026 the point is. I need to be the parent, brother, friend, teacher, guru, nanny, supervisor, manager, boss etc to myself that I wish I had. I\u2019m old enough. I\u2019m experienced enough. I\u2019m in charge here. I\u2019m going to be fair to myself. I\u2019m going to give myself space to relax and have fun, while also working towards my goals. I\u2019ve written about this so many times. I\u2019m bored of writing about this. But I\u2019m also thinking about that last psych post \u2013 something about how the work is always boring, while the drama is always interesting. Well\u2026 I\u2019m going to go and lift. It\u2019s just something to start with. I\u2019m feeling a bit tired and sleepy, but I\u2019m going to power through. And I\u2019m going to sleep early tonight and wake early tomorrow too. Every day is a new day. I suppose the next thing I could do to move my vomits forward would be to write my thoughts on older vomits. I\u2019ll start somewhere in the middle, or maybe go randomly, and then work my way around from there.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
So, it\u2019s August 1st 2018. I slept around midnight last night, and woke up at about 645am this morning. I walked slowly to Chong Pang to have breakfast, and then home. I showered, clicked around a little bit )with the tabs I had left open). And now it\u2019s 915am. And\u2026… <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[331],"class_list":["post-10812","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-word-vomit","tag-status-update"],"yoast_head":"\n