Do I have time for another? I established earlier that if I wrote 2 vomits a day, I could be done in September. If I do 3 vomits in a day, I\u2019d be done in July. Shortly after I turn 27. Now that would be even cooler. The more I do, the faster I can go, the faster I can be done. And it\u2019s not like these things take a ton of my time. I spend more time doing random nonsense every day than I spend writing. I can definitely do much better than this. I just need to change the way I think about these things. I still have an overly perfectionist and overly completionist attitude towards these things \u2013 the whole \u201coh, I\u2019m not going to be able to do a good one today so let\u2019s just not even start\u201d attitude. When I sit down and write about it and Ithink about it, it\u2019s obviously bullshit. But when I\u2019m going about my day, and the thought \u201chey I should write a word vomit tonight\u201d enters my mind, my followup thought is usually \u201csorry, no time\u201d, or \u201clet\u2019s have a bit of fun first\u201d. I need to dismantle both of those things in order to get to where I really want to go, to become who I really want to become. <\/p>\n
\u201cSorry, no time\u201d is a cop out. If my goal in life is to be a writer, then I need to be writing. I have to make it a priority. Nobody can disturb me. Surely I can have 20 minutes a day where there\u2019s time to sit down and write something. I\u2019m a pretty fast typist \u2013 I can definitely publish a word vomit within half an hour, sometimes less. I just need to riff more, and be okay with starting without knowing where a particular thing is going. I also need to turn my thoughts and feelings about general things (usually things that I encounter on social media) into writing exercises. Why argue with a stranger online, when they won\u2019t appreciate it? Why not instead focus on articulating your own position in life, your own challenges, your own goals and so on? <\/p>\n
Clearly there\u2019s still something a little missing from my self-concept, from my identity. I still think of myself as a naughty irresponsible boy. I wonder if it\u2019ll ever be possible to change my perspective on that. I mean, I\u2019ll probably always be mischievous and always get into trouble. I want to be. I feel like I\u2019ve been living my life a little too safe these past couple of years, and I\u2019m done for more volatility, more surprises.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m terrified of the prospect of becoming a boring old man who sits around commenting on things, and other people are obliged to play \u201chumour the baby\u201d with him. Humour the middle-aged old man who never really accomplished much, but has an opinion on everything. <\/p>\n
I do have an opinion on everything \u2013 well maybe now less of everything than before \u2013 but the point is that I want to be more than just a talking head. I want to achieve something that I can be personally proud of. What would those achievements be? I need to have an honest conversation with myself about what respectable looks like, what honourable looks like, what goodness looks like and so on. I think it\u2019s too easy to fall into the trap of thinking that you have to do what other people are doing, you have to relate with them on their terms. I\u2019ve already been spared some of this by getting married early, by working at a startup, by not going to University, and so on. But those things are all in the distant past now. They are fragments of memories from a dream that I once had a long time ago. I inhabit a different reality now. I am a different person now. All of the physical cells that made up who I was are all gone. What remains are patterns, what Hulse would call neurotic holding patterns. And I need to shake that shit out of me so that I can reorient myself to be receptive to what\u2019s next. <\/p>\n
So what IS next? A stronger, better version of myself. Someone who meets more people. Someone who writes more. Someone who prioritizes, who does what is best for himself and the people he cares about. Someone who is able to let things slide. Someone who has self-control, self-discipline, a great sense of humour. I want to grow old and become someone like Daniel Dennett or Oliver Sacks or James Mattis. Is it possible? I guess that\u2019s the question that I\u2019ve been grappling with the past year or so. Is it actually possible for me to drink from the nectar of the gods, to grasp real greatness? To get into the bigger arenas? There\u2019s no point obsessing over those questions because the obsession doesn\u2019t help \u2013 what helps is to get out of your current arena and get into the slightly more difficult one, slightly bigger one. You know what I mean? Progress is incremental. If you\u2019re a Division 3 football player, and you want to play at the Premier League level, you likely need to get to Division 2 first. Sure, some folks might be able to jump straight to the end, but it makes a lot of sense to progress step by step. I\u2019m thinking now about a Facebook note that Boz wrote and Zuck replied to \u2013 something about how the path is something that\u2019s necessarily a little winding, necessarily progressed through incrementally. You have to lift 50kg before you can lift 100kg. That\u2019s just\u2026 physics, goddamnit. And there\u2019s a similar sort of logic about how the world works in general. You can\u2019t hope and pray for some runaway hit. You have to put in the hours, put in the work, cross one threshold at a time.<\/p>\n
Today, that means writing and publishing my 3rd word vomit in a row, and then likely going to bed (maybe I\u2019ll attempt #4). Tomorrow, it\u2019ll mean doing a review and cleaning out my tasks and figuring out next steps to make my dream(s) a reality.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Do I have time for another? I established earlier that if I wrote 2 vomits a day, I could be done in September. If I do 3 vomits in a day, I\u2019d be done in July. Shortly after I turn 27. Now that would be even cooler. The more I… <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[709,342],"class_list":["post-10483","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-word-vomit","tag-baby-steps","tag-time"],"yoast_head":"\n