I just re-watched Tony Robbins: I am not your guru. I\u2019m not sure if I wrote my thoughts the first time around, but here they are the second time around. I think Tony is pretty legit. I don\u2019t think he\u2019s legit for everyone, but I don\u2019t think anybody can be legit for everyone either. I think he\u2019s legit to his tribe, to his people. That\u2019s the best you can ever do, anyway. You put out a clear signal so that your people can follow it back to you. That\u2019s what he\u2019s done, and that\u2019s why he has this great staff that\u2019s so committed and focused to contributing, and that\u2019s why he draws so many people to him (who are then so nurturing and helpful to one another).<\/p>\n
I\u2019m trying to model the questions he\u2019d have asked me. <\/p>\n
\/\/ Why are you here?<\/p>\n
I\u2019m here because I feel like I\u2019m blocked.<\/p>\n
\/\/ Why do you feel blocked?<\/p>\n
I feel like I could be doing more things with my life, like I could be moving faster, contributing more, shedding old bullshit, changing more. I AM doing these things, but progress has been really slow. It feels like I\u2019ve made a tiny crack in a big dam, and now there\u2019s water trickling out. I need to break the dam altogether. I\u2019ve never done this before. I believe it\u2019s doable but I haven\u2019t done it yet.<\/p>\n
\/\/ What is the dam? What\u2019s blocking you?<\/p>\n
You know, I\u2019ve done a LOT of reflecting on this, but I really don\u2019t have a straight answer. It seems like the answer changes depending on my mood or my circumstances. I guess the problem is that I don\u2019t have a strong frame, then. The problem is that I allow myself to be swept up in all these currents. A part of me enjoys it. But another part of me knows \u2013 a deeper part, maybe \u2013 knows that I can\u2019t live like that.<\/p>\n
\/\/ Why is your frame weak?<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t know. How do you have a strong frame? Nobody taught me how to have a strong frame. Few people in my life could be described as examples of people with strong frame \u2013 and with the exception of my boss and a colleagues, I found ways to dislike or despise anybody with a strong frame. At least, I did when I was younger. I hated authority figures, I hated teachers, parents, all that sort of thing. I just wanted to be left alone to my own devices, to be free to do whatever. <\/p>\n
But I also recognise that when people didn\u2019t leave me be, it was because they didn\u2019t trust me to be left alone, and there\u2019s a sort of love in that. People don\u2019t want me to end up a burden on my family, or on society, some derelict hobo just lounging around doing nothing.<\/p>\n
I have to earn the right to be left alone to my own devices. There\u2019s a responsibility there, a \u201cprice of admission\u201d that I need to pay. I haven\u2019t fully, properly internalised this and I should reflect on it more.<\/p>\n
\/\/ Whose love did you crave the most?<\/p>\n
My siblings would probably unanimously say that I was the favourite child of my parents. And I suppose they\u2019re right. I always assumed that I would have my mother\u2019s affection. My dad\u2019s too, in his own way, but my dad wasn\u2019t so warm and sentimental. I don\u2019t know. I don\u2019t actually know my parents nearly as well as I assume I might. My dad\u2019s a bit of a reckless man, a bit impulsive, a bit of a Clint Eastwood type. I don\u2019t know the specifics of the challenges he faced when he was younger, but I imagine he was ambitious. I think he wanted to be a wealthy businessman who could show off, grant favours and things like that. He was the sort of guy who would go to court over a parking ticket and then argue his case. A bit of a rascal, a bit of a mischievous type. He would\u2019ve been a joker. It\u2019s sad to think on hindsight I suppose that I never fully got to see that side of him \u2013 as we never quite get to see who our parents are before they become our parents.<\/p>\n
Anyway \u2013 I guess I would\u2019ve craved his love more. He was the worldlier one, it seemed. <\/p>\n
\/\/ Who did you have to be for your father?<\/p>\n
I can\u2019t remember the specific of how it felt back then, but vaguely overall I think my dad wanted a bit of a trophy kid \u2013 someone who would do really well academically and then end up a lawyer or some sort of bigshot. He was definitely thrilled when I made it into the GEP, and definitely upset when I was asked to leave. And he wouldn\u2019t have any of it when I suggested maybe going to Poly instead of JC. And I\u2019m recalling now that there was some point where he was very persistent in trying to persuade me to take a military scholarship of some kind. So clearly there\u2019s something there about what he wanted for me that I never quite fully articulated \u2013 I mean, I saw it as something to run away from, or run circles around, and it didn\u2019t occur to me then to sit and try and make sense of it all. But it makes sense \u2013 my dad\u2019s a bit of a smartass who likes to run his mouth. He would\u2019ve been prone to making strong claims and statements\u2026 he would\u2019ve wanted sons who were driven, high-functioning, accomplished and so on. <\/p>\n
But one of the tragedies of life maybe is that it\u2019s so easy to get in the way of the things that we want. So we end up stifling the very thing that we want to have. That\u2019s a common loop that I seem to run into.<\/p>\n
\/\/ Who did you have to be?<\/p>\n
It was a sort of contradiction \u2013 I had to be a trophy kid, and at the same time I had to be moderately sociable, and not a total moron. He\u2019d mock me for some things in a subtle way \u2013 like how I had odd eating habits, and when I was young that was always a source of embarrassment for me, I think. Having \u201cdietary restrictions\u201d in the form of \u201csorry, I won\u2019t eat that, it looks gross.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I just re-watched Tony Robbins: I am not your guru. I\u2019m not sure if I wrote my thoughts the first time around, but here they are the second time around. I think Tony is pretty legit. I don\u2019t think he\u2019s legit for everyone, but I don\u2019t think anybody can be… <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[351,279,359],"class_list":["post-10397","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-word-vomit","tag-reboot","tag-self-regulation","tag-troubleshooting"],"yoast_head":"\n