So here\u2019s a bug in my mind that I\u2019ve noticed. Very often when I\u2019m bored or stuck or lost, I end up trawling the internet to pass the time. Maybe a part of me hopes that I\u2019ll find some sort of inspiration or stimuli, but historically that doesn\u2019t work out so well for me. <\/p>\n
More often then not, something random catches my attention and I get involved in that. It might be something on \/r\/singapore, or on reddit at large, or something on Twitter or Facebook. <\/p>\n
If it\u2019s something that one of my friends is involved in, then it makes a little bit of sense to participate because it\u2019s sort of a way of investing in that social relation. (But even that that\u2019s a rather\u2026 weak way of doing things \u2013 but let\u2019s leave that for now.)<\/p>\n
But what totally doesn\u2019t make sense is when it\u2019s just a bunch of strangers talking or arguing about something or another. Then it really doesn\u2019t make sense to get involved. But I do. I enjoy pointing out the mistakes in other people\u2019s thinking, the assumptions that they\u2019ve made, so on and so forth.<\/p>\n
Why do I do this? <\/p>\n
It\u2019s cheap. It\u2019s fun. It\u2019s addictive. There\u2019s no cost. I get this fake stimulation from getting Likes or upvotes when I get it right. I rationalise it as me getting better at the game of discourse, and I tell myself, \u201cOh, it\u2019ll benefit me somewhere down the line when I eventually write essays or novels about this sort of thing.\u201d Which might be true, maybe, but it\u2019s definitely a suboptimal way of doing things. I shouldn\u2019t be doing these things unless I deliberately want to. I have on occasion spent hours on such things. Worst of all is when I get angry and frustrated and invested in some internet argument with some stranger who doesn\u2019t have anything to do with my life, at the expense of the things that I know actually matter to me.<\/p>\n
Now \u2013 one way to approach this would be to try to stop doing it altogether. I\u2019ve done that in the past by going cold turkey on social media, and I do recall that it felt pretty good.<\/p>\n
Another thing I\u2019ve been thinking though, is \u2013 why don\u2019t I apply this sort of rigorous troubleshooting to myself, to my own mind? Why am I not questioning myself, evaluating my daily habits and routines, and so on? I do it in these word vomits a little bit from time to time, but it\u2019s pretty obvious to me that I really ought to make it a bigger part of my life. I ought to be almost constantly troubleshooting myself, becoming a better, stronger version of myself that makes fewer mistakes, that moves faster. I want to refashion myself into Visa Prime, over and over again.<\/p>\n
How do I do it? I know I have this body of work \u2013 these word vomits. I have over 600 of them. What do I do about them? Why don\u2019t I spend more time re-reading them? It\u2019s a little daunting, I suppose. How do I get myself to start reading them more regularly? Should I start from the start? God, that sounds boring and tedious. I\u2019ve read the first few vomits over and over again, and I know they\u2019re pretty crappy. I should start somewhere in the middle. I should start at, say, 200, or 300. I printed out a whole bunch of them a long time ago \u2013 I think I have bound copies of word vomits 1-500, or 1-550. I read the first few. I had some grand idea at some point of taking them all apart and moving them around, connecting the dots, putting the similar ones together. But I don\u2019t have the right energy for that. And I suppose I\u2019m not super clear what the final end state is supposed to be.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s tough to do something without a clear sense of what you\u2019re doing it for. I think it doesn\u2019t need to be like this grand larger vision with this epic payoff \u2013 I just need smaller, simpler reasons to revisit old word vomits and connect the dots. And I need to do it a little bit at a time, rather than pretend that I\u2019m going to someday have this amazing productive day where it all comes together. I already know that\u2019s a myth. Work needs to be done in the trenches of everyday life.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve been on leave from work for a week and a half. Tomorrow\u2019s my last day of leave, and then I\u2019m going back to work. I think I had this vague intention of having this \u2018personal productive week\u2019 where I\u2019d read and write a lot, and get all sorts of little niggling tasks done. I did very little of that. I spent most of it just decompressing. I spent hours playing video games. I don\u2019t feel too guilty about that, I feel like it soothed me, calmed me down. I was having lunch a couple of days ago and I found myself just smiling and feeling really chill in the moment. I last felt that way when I was on holiday over a year ago, and prior to that I think I last felt that way when I had just completed national service. <\/p>\n
A part of me wonders if \u2013 if I had another week off, or a month, would I start getting more productive after the \u2018decompression\u2019 phase is over? Or would I turn into a slob that didn\u2019t get anything done? I\u2019m guessing I\u2019d have gotten a bit slobby. That\u2019s a rather sad thought. I\u2019m 26 years old (I keep thinking that I\u2019m already 27, which is funny because when I was younger I\u2019d often feel like I was younger than I was.) I need to make more progress in the next year than I have in any of my preceding years. And I believe that I have the capability. I just need to breathe deep and psyche myself up, manage my own psychology and motivations and challenge myself to do better. To break things down into little steps and to do one thing at a time. I have all the information I need, I just need to put it into practice.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
So here\u2019s a bug in my mind that I\u2019ve noticed. Very often when I\u2019m bored or stuck or lost, I end up trawling the internet to pass the time. Maybe a part of me hopes that I\u2019ll find some sort of inspiration or stimuli, but historically that doesn\u2019t work out… <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[65,279,359],"class_list":["post-10326","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-word-vomit","tag-focus","tag-self-regulation","tag-troubleshooting"],"yoast_head":"\n