{"id":10270,"date":"2016-10-21T16:20:57","date_gmt":"2016-10-21T16:20:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/visakanv.com\/1000\/?p=10270"},"modified":"2019-11-14T13:26:34","modified_gmt":"2019-11-14T13:26:34","slug":"0602-let-go-stress","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/visakanv.com\/1000\/0602-let-go-stress\/","title":{"rendered":"0602 – let go of your stress"},"content":{"rendered":"

I was chatting with my wife when she asked, \u201cSo what do you get stressed about?”<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a great question and it\u2019s something I think I should reflect very hard on.<\/p>\n

Of the top of my head, here are things that I get stressed about:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Failing to meet work obligations \u2013 shipping blogposts late, not meeting my targets and so on. I feel like I failed as an adult, and as a team member \u2013 this part especially hurts because I feel like in my present configuration in life, I should be more grateful for the opportunity I have.<\/li>\n
  2. Failing to meet National Service obligations \u2013 first because of the penalties and inconvenience, and second because of what that says to me about me as a person.<\/li>\n
  3. Screwing up social obligations \u2013 being late for something, not doing a thing that I promised that I would do, having someone wait on me for something.<\/li>\n
  4. Failing to meet \u201cself\u201d obligations \u2013 when I\u2019ve gone too long without writing, without reading, without publishing, shipping, without working out.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    In all of these cases, basically I get stressed when I owe people things (including myself), and when I haven\u2019t delivered. I suppose I get stressed because I begin to suspect that I\u2019m not all that great, that I\u2019m weak and flawed and incapable, that I\u2019m lousy, pathetic, incompetent, it gets worse as it goes on.<\/p>\n

    That\u2019s probably a little melodramatic, and the drama is probably counter-productive to solving the problem.<\/strong> As I think about it now, it\u2019s clear that some of the stress is inherited learned behavior<\/strong> \u2013 from being yelled at by teachers and parents for being a fuckup at school. For a period of time I thought that stuff didn\u2019t faze me, but over the years I\u2019ve learned that they have. I still occasionally have a bad dream that\u2019s school related \u2013 that I didn\u2019t do my homework or something like that \u2013 screwed up an exam, whatever. So that\u2019s some shit that I have to deal with. It\u2019s some sort of mild PTSD, maybe.<\/p>\n

    I think \u2013 even after all my ranting and anger and whatnot, I still haven\u2019t fully gotten over my childhood. I mean, I\u2019m blessed and lucky to be born in Singapore \u2013 there are kids in Syria etc right now who\u2019ve seen their family and friends literally shredded to pieces by bombs and they\u2019ll have to live with that until they die. So my problems ain\u2019t all that bad. But they\u2019re mine, and I have to live with them, face them, address them, transcend them if I want to do more, do better.<\/p>\n

    What will getting over mean, what will it look like? How must I accept it? I think I\u2019ve never fully accepted it. I think I\u2019m still angry, still frustrated, still upset somewhere deep down. I\u2019ve had moments of acceptance \u2013 they were great, but they were fleeting. I need to dig deeper, be real with myself, and well and truly let that shit go. That doesn\u2019t mean forgetting about it; I wouldn\u2019t be able to even if I wanted to. But it means deeply forgiving, loving, accepting in some way that I still haven\u2019t quite cracked.<\/p>\n

    Then what?<\/p>\n

    Then it\u2019s about unlearning the impulses that I have developed and accumulated and inherited. I instinctively know that unlearning these will require meditation, thoughtfulness, attentiveness \u2013 things that I have experimented with a little here and there, but I\u2019m going to have to dive deeper.<\/strong> I\u2019m going to have to make it a serious priority and treat it with some respect and reverence. First I have to believe that it\u2019s possible \u2013 and I do. Next I have to be whole-hearted about making it happen.<\/strong><\/p>\n

    I do think it\u2019s good that I care about meeting my obligations. A man should fulfil his obligations. But it doesn\u2019t make sense to get stressed and angry at upset with oneself at failing<\/strong>. One should calmly acknowledge what has happened, and gently rise to correct the situation.<\/strong> To make amends. The anger achieve nothing. The shame achieves nothing. They\u2019re just feelings, they\u2019re just background noise. Thunder and fury inherited from people who didn\u2019t know better, from a tradition that didn\u2019t know better.<\/strong><\/p>\n

    I think part of the pattern \u2013 part of the \u2018game\u2019 \u2013 is this sort of self-validation circle. \u201cLook, I\u2019m angry and upset and ashamed, this is evidence that I care!\u201d \u2013 but if you really cared, Visa, you\u2019d have taken more steps towards fixing the situation. Perhaps you have taken as many as you possibly could\u2019ve. So be it. Either way, it remains true that any energy expended being angry, stressed, upset or ashamed is energy that is NOT spent addressing the issues.<\/p>\n

    It\u2019s obvious that we\u2019re not going to be able to change ourselves completely overnight just by deciding that we\u2019ve changed \u2013 old habits die hard and return and are persistent. But we can try and strike a deal \u2013 let\u2019s try to not to sweat the small stuff (and it\u2019s all small stuff) for the remainder of the year. If I\u2019ve failed or made a mistake,<\/p>\n

    I know better. I will do better.<\/p>\n

    What\u2019s curious is \u2013 it seems like the guilt and shame and whatnot aren\u2019t just a sort of unwanted, unintended, negative consequence \u2013 they seem to be the currency that\u2019s in play. I mean \u2013 subconsciously, below the layers that I\u2019m normally able to address, it seems like I\u2019m using the guilt and shame as a way of proving to myself that I care.<\/strong> I care, therefore I feel stressed when things go bad. The stress is PROOF that I care! You can\u2019t accuse me of not caring enough, I wouldn\u2019t be stressed otherwise!<\/strong><\/p>\n

    But that\u2019s silly. That\u2019s pointless self-flagellation that achieves nothing. That\u2019s unnecessary heat, sound, fury. If something goes wrong, I should fix it. Any energy spent in anger or frustration is energy that\u2019s NOT spent fixing the problem. So clearly there\u2019s this sort of dysfunctional system going on here. If I want to continue to grow as a person, I\u2019m going to have to untangle this mess and rearrange it in a way that makes sense.<\/p>\n

    So let\u2019s try this, subconscious. For the remainder of the year, let\u2019s not get stressed about anything. If we mess something up, if we fail at it, so be it. Let\u2019s smile.<\/strong> Let\u2019s not sweat the small stuff, and let\u2019s recognize that it\u2019s all small stuff. I\u2019m going to die, everyone I love is going to die, the universe itself is going to die. Everything is just this grand cosmic game, and the stress and fear and anxiety is a way of holding on. It\u2019s a form of attachment.<\/p>\n

    Breathe out. Let go.<\/p>\n

    PS: Looking above \u2013 yes, there are serious consequences to me screwing up on #2 \u2013 I would have to face severe penalties and so on. But the point isn’t to take action so that it doesn’t happen! I’m going to bed now, tomorrow I’m going to wake up early and I’m going to run. There’s nothing to be stressed about if I take action accordingly, in advance.<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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