I think my life can be a little seasonal sometimes. Lots of people around me often talk about productivity as though it\u2019s something that can be managed effectively week on week, and I think there\u2019s some truth to that. But I also have this nagging suspicion that I might operate subconsciously at a \u201cseasonal\u201d level\u2013 ie there might be 3 months in a year where I\u2019m much more focused and powerful than the rest of the year. I don\u2019t really have any evidence for this, though, and I\u2019m not interested in doing the elaborate amounts of work I\u2019d have to do to verify this \u2013 if I have the energy to do lots of work, I\u2019m going to devote it towards doing, you know, WORK.<\/p>\n
I have to confess that I\u2019ve once again, at some point this year, felt a general malaise, ennui, sianness, depression, whatever you want to call it. It doesn\u2019t rattle me the way it did when I was a teenager; I\u2019ve gotten much better at living with it and recognizing it when it happens, and taking steps to diminish it. My recent insight was that I don\u2019t spend enough time actively taking care of myself. I don\u2019t carve out time for me to rest, reflect, relax in a deep sense.<\/strong> Sometimes I get some of this when doing sessions in a float tank, which I don\u2019t do as regularly as I\u2019d like. But it\u2019s not the float itself per se. It\u2019s the fact that for 2 hours nothing and nobody can interrupt me. I think that\u2019s what provides me with the restful effect.<\/strong> If I want to be more effective towards achieving my goals, then I need to also be more sincere with my rest and the care that I devote to myself.<\/p>\n Anyway the point of this is. I find it a little silly that I\u2019ve been writing so many vomits for so long and I haven\u2019t hung them up on a consistent, coherent framework so I can see where exactly I\u2019ve been repeating myself. Because I\u2019ve obviously been running in circles a lot.<\/strong> I think when I set out I was intending to sort it all out at the end. Halfway through it\u2019s become clear that that\u2019s going to be a hell of a struggle, and I can save my future self some trouble by taking some steps to make it easier in the present.<\/strong> That means doing some editing on the blogposts that I\u2019ve written, so they\u2019re easier to read later on.<\/p>\n One of the things that I think is going to be clear is \u2013 changing myself is a heck of a hard thing to do. There are many moving parts, and I need to keep track of many different things. And part of the reason why I felt I need to make some sort of change was that I was screwing things up from being bad at keeping track of things in the first place. There\u2019s a very special kind of delightful irony in failing at becoming better because you were predisposed to failing at things in general to begin with. You know what I mean? You suck, you try to get better, but you suck at getting better because you suck, so you don\u2019t get very much better.<\/p>\n But it looks like the only thing to do is to keep doing it. I\u2019ve made some progress on the cooking front. For the longest time I fantasized about someday becoming comfortable with food. Well, I\u2019m now moderately comfortable with cooking chicken breasts or thighs on a pan, or salmon, or minced beef. Those are things I can do. I can feed myself with those things. It feels pretty great. It builds on an earlier insight \u2013 that I\u2019m a pattern in space-time that tries to be self-sufficient, and while it didn\u2019t get a lot of guidance in the start, and was generally bumbling around and getting into trouble, I\u2019ve somehow bumbled my way to a reasonably manageable state. I\u2019m here. I\u2019m awake. I\u2019m alive. I\u2019m not broken, I\u2019m not hugely fucked up, I\u2019m breathing, I have money in the bank, I have a job, etc.<\/strong> Some of my mentors would say that that\u2019s a very low bar to set, and I agree \u2013 I need to set higher bars for myself. That\u2019s part of the point of this post, and that\u2019s the point of the title of this post \u2013 that I need to let go of my past frustrations and greviances to become the person that I\u2019m going to be.<\/p>\n But okay, so this is me, saying thank you to my past self for trying the best he could with what he had, even if it was sloppy, even if it was suboptimal in some ways. So be it. He got me here. That was his job and he did it. It\u2019s my turn now. And I get to start as fresh as I possibly can.<\/p>\n It\u2019s theoretically possible for me to finish my entire word vomit project by the end of the year. That\u2019s 4 word vomits in a day. I have 106 days to write 400 word vomits. I can definitely do it. Why not? Why not finish it and get it out of my system? I could drag it on and do one every other day or every week and so on \u2013 which is kind of how I\u2019ve been doing it \u2013 and it\u2019ll take me until late 2017, maybe 2018. OR, I could hunker down and just light a fire under my ass and get all of this stuff out, pronto. It might be a bit premature to say this \u2013 I don\u2019t want to say that I\u2019ve gotten MOST of the value out of this project already, but I\u2019ve crossed some milestones, and if I\u2019m not racing to the finish line maybe it\u2019s because I haven\u2019t adequately visualized the possible outcomes.<\/strong> If I\u2019m done with this quickly I can clear my headspace and move on to other things. I might have interesting conversations with people about what all of this means, what it\u2019s like to do this, what I\u2019m going to be doing next. And a great part of these vomits is I can figure out the answers to those questions along the way, just by doing this. I can go through old vomits and answer questions by writing them and then I can link from one to the other. Or not. It doesn\u2019t matter. I can do whatever I want to do. I forget that sometimes.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I think my life can be a little seasonal sometimes. Lots of people around me often talk about productivity as though it\u2019s something that can be managed effectively week on week, and I think there\u2019s some truth to that. But I also have this nagging suspicion that I might operate… <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-10248","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-word-vomit"],"yoast_head":"\n