It\u2019s interesting and scary to contemplate the mind sometimes. And how it\u2019s compelled to do certain things in certain ways, or not do certain things under certain circumstances. Screw conversations about whether we have free will or not\u2013 the more pertinent question is, what are the bugs in our mind, and how do we fix them? If they can\u2019t be fixed, how do we keep them from inhibiting us?<\/p>\n
I was just talking about this with a friend.About how if a \u201ctodo\u201d task isn\u2019t sufficiently precise, it doesn\u2019t get done. \u201cBuy Groceries\u201d can sit pretty on a post-it for days and days. I won\u2019t do it unless I write \u201cgo to NTUC FairPrice at Yishun MRT after work today and buy broccoli, carrots and chicken.\u201d<\/p>\n
What\u2019s counter-intuitive is just a tiny bit of vagueness or fuzziness can stop the task from happening altogether. Intuition would suggest that something half as vague would get done half as well, or half as quickly. But in reality, it simply doesn\u2019t get done.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m a loss-averse, pain-averse creature. I don\u2019t really like that, but that\u2019s how it is and I have to work with that for now, possibly for always. The pursuit of pleasure and gain doesn\u2019t seem to motivate me anywhere near as much. As far as possible, I seem to be \u2018happiest\u2019 or \u2018most stable\u2019 just doing nothing. When left to my own devices, I like doing nothing. I like talking long random walks through the Internet. (If only that shit was good for my health. Maybe when we have some good AR, we can do both at the same time.)<\/p>\n
I do know that I enjoy doing squats with heavy weights and feeling the burn and feeling the strength gains and the endorphins and stuff like that. I haven\u2019t had much of a chance to do that recently because I\u2019ve got RT commitments. I\u2019m currently 11\/20 done, and I\u2019ll be done completely in May. This will be the first year since I finished my NS that I wouldn\u2019t have had to go to CMPB to answer for why I didn\u2019t complete my IPPT or my RT. It\u2019s a great source of shame for me and I hate thinking about it, but I think it\u2019s necessary that I think about it. That I really sit with myself and my feelings and confront myself about what\u2019s going on, and how I allow these things to happen. And to be aware of all the post-hoc rationalisations. I mean, I want to fix this. [1]<\/p>\n
So\u2026 what\u2019s going on? Fundamentally my challenge remains the same as it always has. Self-regulation. Time management. Focus. Prioritisation. Fear management. So let\u2019s walk through that again. We\u2019ll do this again and again 500 times if we have to, until we get it right. We already know that we\u2019ve made progress\u2013 we\u2019re much, much better at these things now that we were at the start. We\u2019ve gone on social media fasts. We\u2019ve gone smoke-free. We\u2019ve gone from squatting 30kg to 90kg. We\u2019ve gone from being completely unreliable at work to being moderately reliable (although there\u2019s still so much more improvement to be made here). We\u2019ve gone from being a distant, disengaged spouse\/son\/friend to being more proactive. These are all steps in the right direction. We just need to keep going. And then we\u2019ll overcompensate and take victory laps. But let\u2019s not get ahead of ourselves there. The focus is on the struggle that\u2019s in front of our face. Right now the struggle is to complete writing this. But that\u2019s become somewhat easy, hasn\u2019t it? We\u2019ve done it over 550 times. We can write a thousand words. So what\u2019s next?<\/p>\n
What\u2019s next is establishing more precise behaviours. It\u2019s like controlling your muscles, right? It\u2019s all in your brain. It\u2019s all about your brain getting better at firing neurons in a more \u201cpatterned\u201d way or something like that. Playing a more difficult piece on guitar requires more hand-eye-ear coordination than playing a simple one. And you\u2019ve gone from simple to pretty hard with deliberate practice. [2]<\/p>\n
So. The goal is to develop self-regulation skills. That means being mindful of how much time and energy is being spent on things. Deciding how to allocate these resources in pursuit of my interests and goals. That requires knowing what my interests and goals are. I think I have a fairly good idea, but it\u2019s always worth revisiting. I want to become a great editor who inspires writers to do their best work. I want to be immersed in really good writing and thinking that challenges and inspires me. That opens my mind. That keeps me compassionate and excited and cheerful no matter how rough life gets. The main things stopping me from feeling that way\u2013 or the only thing, really\u2013 is my own incompetence at getting out of obligation debt into a surplus situation. I still haven\u2019t ever \u201cfinished my homework\u201d, I\u2019m always two steps behind and improvising.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve written about this many, many times. Writing alone will not solve it. But as long as I\u2019m committed to writing regularly, I will continue to repeat myself until I internalise it effectively.<\/p>\n
_____<\/p>\n
[1] The next line that always comes out of my mind is \u201cI really do\u201d, but \u201cI really do\u201d doesn\u2019t mean anything. Reality doesn\u2019t give a shit about how much I say I want something bad, what matters is the change in behavior.<\/p>\n
[2] A lesson from guitar-playing that I\u2019ve always been a little hesitant to face up to is that my progress never happens in a linear or consistent fashion. I noodle around here and there mindlessly for months before getting bored with myself and then devoting myself to some intense practice, after which I cross some threshold or plateau and get better in a sudden leap. My question to me is\u2013 why not just have a series of those intense practice sessions, and get a lot better all at once? What\u2019s stopping me from doing that? Nothing! Just inertia and a general sense of malaise or whatever nonsense. It\u2019s not happening because I have not developed the skill of setting targets and then achieving them decisively. I\u2019m doing this more for work, but I\u2019m still a novice here.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
It\u2019s interesting and scary to contemplate the mind sometimes. And how it\u2019s compelled to do certain things in certain ways, or not do certain things under certain circumstances. Screw conversations about whether we have free will or not\u2013 the more pertinent question is, what are the bugs in our mind,… <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-10092","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-word-vomit"],"yoast_head":"\n