Going to do a wordvomit before I go to bed let’s go. I sat down at the computer at like what, 10:15pm, and now it’s already 11pm, and when I’m done with this it’ll be 11:15pm. It’s ridiculous how much of a time sink the internet is- I literally lose all sense of time when I’m online, if I’m not careful. It is clear to me that if I am to proceed and be successful at whatever I want to be, I will have to place constrictions and limitations upon my web-surfing time.

I can accept this, because it is clear to me that restricting a little bit of freedom in this regard can and will most probably lead to a large increase in freedom in many other places. I need better habits and routines, and I think the damage control on this one could be the highest-leverage of all (second to “sleep well”- but my internet addiction and poor sleeping habits are both highly related. I sleep well when I’m not trapped in an online quicksand pit.)

What else is there to say- ah yeah I’ve been decluttering my stuff a little, and I’d like to get a whole lot more crazy about it. I’ve been throwing out bookmarks- that’s purely virtual stuff, I know, but I have all these accumulated plans and ideas and thoughts that have been just this huge burden on my shoulders- and they’re not even really responsibilities or anything, just things that “I’d like to do” or something.

I have to keep promises to myself, and every so often it may be necessary to break a few so that I can keep a few others. That seems somewhat contradictory but it’s a superior solution to “try to think you’ll do everything, get paralysed by choice, do nothing”.

I should always be doing something. Doing nothing is okay if I’m okay with doing nothing, and sometimes I love nothing better than to sit around doing nothing. But I think it’s important that that doing-of-nothing is a comfortable, peaceful and happy silence- not the sort of tense restlessness you get when you know you have something that needs doing, but you can’t do it, or you haven’t done it. Like going on “vacation” but being burdened with the thought of all your backlog work.

Rest should be restful, else it’s no rest at all. Work hard, play hard, rest hard, etc.

I have a huge list of projects and ideas and blog post ideas and stuff like that and I need to systematically go through them and eradicate whatever’s non-essential, and start making progress on whatever is good. I wish I could get more feedback from my readers than I do now, but that’s wishful thinking- most of you guys are lurkers and I have to accept that as the reality of things until I get much, much more established. The irony is, once you’re that established, it’s not that big of a deal any more- you know what to do.

Follow your gut, follow your bliss. Only way forward.

I don’t NEED to do anything, of course, but I really want to and I know what would make me happy and fulfilled. Tonight, that would mean getting a good’s night rest, waking up bright and early before anybody else, decluttering my bookmarks list, going through some of my notes to myself and transcribing them, maybe hit the gym and do some heavy lifting (god, it’s been so long since I’ve done any heavy lifting)

I saw a few old people today and I’m always really disheartened to see old people with limited mobility- when they can’t stand or sit or walk without assistance. I’ve seen videos on youtube of people who are 60 or 70 and they are FIT- they can run, they can jump, they’re in great shape. It seems to have something to do with musculature- it’s the muscular folk who do reasonably heavy lifting that last longer. This seems to be a fairly recent understanding, and not everybody seems to know this.

Lift heavy and hard to live long and well. I’d like to stop being skinny. It’ll require a total lifestyle change, so I’ll start with small baby steps stuff.

I have been taking cold showers every morning, I do my pushups and my squats. Really, I think my number one priorities after that should be to limit my aimless internet surfing time, and to go to bed as early as possible. It’s 11:10pm now. I’m going to set some goals for tomorrow before I sleep, so that I know what I ought to do, then I’m going to take a cold shower, sit in silence for a while and go to bed.

I’m in an interesting place right now. Not too hot, not too cold, I sort of know what I must do, and I’ve been sort of doing it, and things haven’t been amazing but they haven’t been bad, either. I think I just need to keep at it, make some minor adjustments along the way, and I have a feeling that things will start to look really good, really soon.

Of course, I could be inflating the possibility of any sort of good outcome. More likely than not, things are just going to stay the same. I’m noticing that I struggle more with these word vomits if I spend some time online BEFORE getting to writing. Writing should be the absolute first thing I do. Somehow my mind is clearer then, and more flows through me. Start stoning online and I’m sunk.

I wish I knew this back in JC, or in secondary school- man, I fucked myself over big time with my TV and internet addictions. I accept this, though, and I will try to make the most of it- I believe that I have some degree of perspective that is of value, I just haven’t fully managed or learned to adequately express it yet, in a way that is good and useful.

Did I say I was having difficulty with this? Nothing seems powerfully meaningful right now, but I actually completed 1000 in under 3 minutes. Perhaps this is a sign that I should start summarizing the previous word vomits instead of continuing forward. I’ll meditate on that thought and get back to you tomorrow.

cheers and love.