today was my 35th birthday. turning 35 feels significant in a way that 31-34 didn’t. those years just felt like ‘long 30’. though notably in my case it coincided with 2021 and 2022 feeling like ‘long 2020’ because of covid. but i suspect this would’ve broadly been the case for me anyway. i visited new york city at last in early 2023 (aged 32), where we found out we were having a baby, who was born oct 2023 after i turned 33, and pretty much all the time after that has been a vague blur of parenting.

people’s experience of time tends to be shaped by major events like the start and end of relationships, weddings, births, deaths, career changes, housing changes, health issues, travel, major accomplishments or setbacks. in my case… 22 was a big year for me because i got married, got a job, got a house, and then stuck with all of those things. i left my job at 28, but my marriage and home remained constant. i published my first book at 29, and my second at 31, and i’ve been kinda in limbo for a while after that.

just a couple of days ago i was feeling quite miserable and despondent– not the worst i’d ever been, probably not even the top 5-10 worst, but the worst i’d been in recent years. largely physical. falling sick multiple times, being chronically sleep deprived, feeling unproductive, weak, dull. i was also struggling with things like issues around moving house, which has been a huge heavy decision, and some military obligations, and some minor health scares. but i think yesterday i was looking at my blog– particularly the ‘start here’ and ‘desire paths’ sections– and i felt this surge of interest, which was so refreshing to me. i haven’t felt truly interested in anything in a while, probably mostly because i’m so tired from looking after a toddler every day. i’ve been trying to get myself to nerd out about things like the nature of games and puzzles– i play some online chess to pass the time, what is it about chess that compels me when other things don’t? well, it’s finite, etc etc. the hope is that by thinking through such things i will be able to find a way to ‘soften the ground’ for things i want to be doing, like my writing.

and i guess i hadn’t looked at my blog in a while- the last time i gave it a really good look was in january (5 months ago), and i’m so grateful to jan2025 visa for doing what we did then– i pieced together loose assemblages of ‘proto-books’ made up of series of posts, and i wrote some commentary and thoughts about them. looking back– say, at just the desire-paths post series– I see an opportunity to synthesize everything into something substantial, comprehensive, and hopefully somewhat succinct. and a piece produced at the end of that process would be something that i could share widely and confidently, and feel a lot of relief, because i no longer have to remember 20 different things to share with people. i can just share the one thing that addresses them all. so now the next step there is i need to carve out some time and space to do this project. i’ll probably pull up a spreadsheet the way i used to do infographics at my last job, that was a satisfying approach to information architecture.

I can’t do it now since I gotta go to sleep soon and i should finish this wordvomit first but I started a google sheet and populated it with a few notes, that should be clarifying when i follow up. I guess all of this is me doing project management, making it likelier that i’m going to finish the thing that I started. I like that it’s a somewhat finite task– I mean, the task of “write everything there is to be said about information architecture” is an infinite one, but the task of “elegantly consolidate what you’ve already written” is a finite one, and one that leaves me in a better position afterwards. so it’s a clear win, since I am already currently directing people towards a nebulous mess. yeah. maybe i’ve been trying too hard for too long to seek out new territory, new options, new paths, and it’s time for me to simply reinhabit what I am already inhabiting, and make improvements to the system that I am already using. I have a document called Constructive ADHD that loads of people have told me has served them well. why don’t I try and make it even better? Well… actually that one doesn’t feel as good as ‘fix desire paths’, because Constructive ADHD is mostly already in a pretty good state to my eyes right now. mmmm i love how thinking through this is clarifying my values. do i know what i’ll want to do after desire paths? not yet, but i’ll probably revisit the start-here page and see what i click on, where that takes me. i can search my own blog and my own writing and notes etc and see how it feels.

i also wanna remind myself that i asked people on twitter for my annual birthday wish of “tell me how i’ve helped you” and there are some interesting responses, that might maybe make for an interesting substack note or something. basically i want to cut back on disconnected-from-reality daydreaming and focus on what’s actually working, what’s actually resonating with people, so that i can pursue win-loops that’s grounded in that reality. i’m not saying that i’m trying to “be realistic” or pander to my audience, there’s some subtlety and nuance here that’s tedious to get into in plaintext, but it’s obvious when you’re talking about, say, music or comedy. people want something familiar and they want something new. the artist must always be taking risks and not fall into becoming a tribute act to their past self, doing reruns endlessly.

i haven’t taken any big risks in a while, or even medium risks really. maybe i’ll dig into that more in the next post.