I haven’t done the reading yet, but I want to write about it first so that I can reflect on this after I’m better informed. I’m starting to suspect that a lot of the things about my life– my moods, my emotions, my strength, my lethargy, my focus, my procrastination, my relationships, my tardiness, my time-blindness– all of these things are intimately related to my blood sugar levels. I think I’ve been having erratic and messed up blood sugar levels my whole life. I don’t know precisely how to measure and manage this yet, but I’ll figure it out. (I’m even tempted to get one of those finger-pricking things. But for now I guess I’ll just write about my experiences.)

I never had a habit of eating breakfast. At most I’d drink a cup of milo and maybe take a multivitamin if my mom insisted on it. And sometimes if I was feeling good, when I reached school (in secondary school) I’d eat a sandwich. In primary school, I’d often go the entire day without eating. I’d buy and drink a bottle of Coke or Pepsi (500ml) and nurse that throughout the day, then I’d eat a McDonald’s meal after school (typically a Filet-o-Fish meal, upsized, with a medium milo for a drink. That’s my default Mac’s meal.) On hindsight, this must’ve been ridiculously unhealthy. I was too tall and skinny to have any obvious health problems– I was okay with playing sports, but I was never able to run very long distances. I failed my 1.6km runs in primary school, I think, and I barely passed my 2.4km runs in secondary school and JC. I don’t think I ever went below 12 minutes for 2.4km in my life– maybe ONCE in JC, if I remember correctly. I was good at doing pullups in secondary school, but probably because it didn’t require that much upper body strength when I was that light (62kg or so.) Now I weigh in at about 80kg, and it’s much harder to do them pullups (my record was probably 12? 13?).

When I was in secondary school I used to eat spaghetti, sometimes mee goreng. Lots of carbs, I guess, and not a lot of protein. And I guess I’d probably get tired and sleepy afterwards because of sugar crashes? In JC I’d typically eat either chicken rice or fishball noodles. Fishball noodles especially wipe me out– I get very sleepy afterwards.

I didn’t like eating at home– there was always food, typically good indian food, but I wasn’t very familiar with it. I didn’t like eating with my hands (I still don’t, to be honest) because I don’t feel very adept at it. And I didn’t like being seen eating. I still don’t really. I was constantly anxious, mostly because I never did my homework. Videogames and books and other distractions helped me to ignore my responsibilities for a while. I’d often do this: Go home, think about doing my homework, get home too tired and slow-blood-sugary (probably) to be able to do anywork. So I’d vegetate and watch TV or play games. And I wouldn’t have the restraint to stop, so I’d keep going until it was really late. Then I’d eat. Then idk, I wouldn’t really do anything. I’d waste time online, I guess. I’d tell my parents I was doing research or project work or something. And it would be 10+ or 11+, and I’d try to get started on my homework but it would be dark and I wouldn’t have the mood. I tell myself I’ll try to sleep and wake early– hopefully wake up at 4am and rush it over until 7am. I wouldn’t be able to wake up in time. And then I’d feel terrible. Sometimes I’d pretend to be sick, sometimes I swear I genuinely fell sick from all the stress and worry. Most of the time my mom wouldn’t have any of it. And I’d get into more trouble.

When I look back, I find myself thinking about all my teachers’ attempts to try and deal with me. And now as I get older I’m able to view them as fellow human beings rather than mysterious, powerful adults. They must have been tired and stressed and worried about their own jobs and their families and children and so on. They were all trying to do their jobs, and most of them definitely made a serious effort and went above and beyond what they would’ve been obligated to do. I’m reminded of teachers who took me aside to try and talk to me. I remember Mrs. Teo encouraging me to write letters to her, and she wrote back, and she was so kind. I remember Mrs. Choo taking the time to teach me something (I believe it was circulatory system stuff) during one of our breaks. I remember Mrs. Raj taking the time to go through things with me, too. I remember talking about computers and web design with Mr. Koh. I remember being impressed with some teachers. When I was in primary school, I had teachers who’d spend their break times with me, ask to see me after school, and back then I saw a lot of this negatively. I thought they were just trying to teach me a lesson, trying to make me suffer until I complied. The problem maybe was that I didn’t value my own time or my own “face” or anything as much as they might’ve thought I did, so I was often willing to play out some sort of waiting game with them.

Thoughts are a little fragmented but I’ll just keep writing as much as I can in each vomit and then try to summarize or recap, and I’ll count on my second or third sweep to make sense of everything. But I guess in short I’m just wondering… how all that sugar and lack thereoff must’ve affected my moods. I remember feeling especially shitty in JC. I must’ve been eating really unhealthily then. Not enough. I think things cleaned themselves up substantially when I was in BMT and Signals– when I was following the strict army diet at the right times. I should try and return to that, somehow. That was probably the best I’ve been at so far, and I also remember writing a lot during that period.