Wow I’m tired. I should learn to listen to my body better, take more naps, sleep more. I feel like I’ve been a little less productive the past couple of days. I was quite productive the two days before that so… I guess right now the only thing is to rest, regroup and go again.

Sometimes I think I enjoy the feeling of being sleep deprived, at least once in a while. It’s a kind of inebriation I guess. Altered mental state and all that. But in the long run I know I want to be healthy and clear headed.

So, about the whole do it later thing. I wonder when it started, how it started. I suppose when I was a child I had no responsibilities, and I’d just play, read books, etc. And when I started getting homework… it seemed easy and trivial so I didn’t bother doing it. Why didn’t I do it then? It’s tempting and easy to blame parents, I guess. My parents didn’t really know much about what I was doing at school. They tried their best to help but I’d just lie and say that I’d already done my work. Why did I do that? Where did I learn to do that? Who taught me? I’m not sure. I’m not sure if I’ll ever find out. Would be nice to know, but there’s not much point trying to figure it out really. Effort is better expended elsewhere.

Aside- I’ve been wondering if my get-things-done system needs to be redone. I feel like I have all these random things lying around and they’re not really working together effectively.

Right now I’m experiencing what I call the fog- it feels like I’m underwater, but I’m paying attention to it rather than wasting time on Facebook, Twitter etc as I usually do. So I have a rather precious opportunity to examine my state.

What do I want to do right now? Sleep. What needs to get done? I need to ship a blogpost for work and do some updates. Why didn’t I do it earlier? I was tired. Am still tired. Why so tired? Been waking up earlier and running. So I’m sort of transitioning, and am not quite used to that. Okay. I intend to keep waking up early, so I’ll have to adapt to this.

What are my priorities? What are my goals? What do I need to be reminded of when I’m tired? What is the message that should be in my wallet? “You want to be a reliable person, not a burden to others.”

I keep switching windows, tabs, apps. I will never be able to get anything done when I’m trying to do everything all at once. I need to have a daily output for work. I need to decide where I’m going to get that done, how I’m going to measure it.

I paused there to read old vomits, here are some thoughts on those. I used to write in a much more tedious way. I think that’s learned behavior. It takes practice to write simply. I’m proud that I’ve gotten better at it, and I look forward to getting even better in it.

I’m grappling with many of the same concerns 3 years on. I still want to find freedom through discipline. I still want to become a man of my word, an asset to others rather than a burden. I feel like I haven’t made a lot of progress on these fronts, but I also feel grateful that these things are enduring- it gives me affirmation that my current ideas aren’t just passing clouds, but deep-rooted.

Wow, I used to sleep really, really late. I used to think of 1230am as a really early time to go to bed. So that’s changed. I thought 8am was early to wake up. Now I want to wake up at 6am.

Squats in the shower. How motivational messages and posters etc can be useful.

<got home>

Alright, I got 400 more wors to go. I wasn’t as productive at work today as I’d like to have been, partially because I was sleepy, I guess. My mind has cleared up a little and I have done some work quite efficiently since I got home, so I’m quite happy with that. I’m going to bathe and I’m going to go to sleep, and then tomorrow morning I’m going for a dental appointment and then going to work, so I think all in all I’m doing pretty well this week. The challenge will be to have a good weekend and to keep all of this stuff up.

I’ve started re-reading my older vomits, as I mentioned before I got home. I’m up to about 12 now. 320+ more to go. Heh. I can go faster than I was expecting to go, I guess because even though it’s been a long time and many words ago, I can sort of recreate what I was thinking or feeling when I was writing those posts– even if I don’t exactly relate to them now. It’s a pretty cool experience, and has me wishing that I had written more, and maybe that I had.

It’s humbling I guess to realize how long it’s taken me to make such little progress. I wonder if this is the rate that I’ll be stuck at. I hope not. There’s that thing about how we all underestimate how much change can happen over the long time, right? I hope I’m underestimating things, and that I increase the amount of control I have in my life by becoming more focused and disciplined. I want to live without guilt and anxiety. I believe it’s possible. I just gotta work hard at it, and I got to do things now. I can do it. I got this. Slow and steady, lots of little wins, review every day, publish every day. Figure out what done means. Move fast. Ship things. Face the fear, write it down, do it anyway. Let’s go.