Yesterday evening I did something for the first time– I gave an hour-and-a-half lecture to a group of students at SMU about ecommerce marketing. I’ve always been alright-ish at presentations, maybe better than the average person but less good than the average presenter. I think I have very high standards and expect a certain excellence, and get frustrated when I fall short of that excellence. [1]

The last time I felt this sort of anxiety and nausea was when I was doing standup comedy for the first time. Boy, I was really anxious then. It turned out pretty well, I thought of something clever to say about the act before me and I made fun of the host in a pleasant way. I didn’t know how to end it well, but I had already won the crowd so they just laughed anyway. I think the same thing happened with my lecture– I started a little sloppy, won them over with my earnestness and intensity (the lecturer said I was “very animated!” and the TA said that it was nice that I spoke about my own experiences rather than just the subject matter, and that they could relate to it better). I think that’s progress. [2]

And it was sweet, sweet bliss to step outside of the venue afterwards and feel the “I did it!” feeling. I had conquered a litle fear. I had felt for myself that fear is temporary, it is imagined, and it can be overcome.

The challenge for me now is to learn to apply that knowledge and understanding across domains. That it’s really quite possible to just slam into things head on and get better at them. I keep TALKING about this. Sometimes I don’t even talk about it, which is when I’m in the fog. So the reason I keep writing is to at least stave off the fog. As long as I’m reflecting on each day, as long as I’m writing everyday, I know that I’m at least keeping some awareness in my consciousness. I will want to expand that practice, I will want to be more mindful minute by minute, day by day.

So… what’s next? Should I make more commitments? I was thinking that it felt really good to travel, and that it would be really nice to plan a trip significantly in advance. just sort of frames things, adds boundaries… I was talking about how structures and boundaries are really important, because without them I tend to fall into this endless cycle of ennui. I need to have hard deadlines that I can’t escape, that I can’t control. Yesterday I had a hard deadline– the students were going to be there and I had to have a presentation ready by the time I was in there. What I had wasn’t perfect, but I’m not sure it would even have gotten done if not for the hard deadline. In fact, it was originally supposed to be done a week earlier…. clearly I’m doing something very stupid with my life because I’m allowing all these far away things to stay invisible until it’s too late. I need to bring them all up right to my face and be accountable to someone about doing them, and then get them done.

Any further thoughts? I guess I realize that I like helping people, I like connecting with people, and now that this is over I can start focusing on my daily exercise and I can and should reach out to people and sync up with them about drinks and food and so on. And I want to remind myself that the most important thing is for me to ask questions, and to listen, because I don’t really learn anything by confirming what I already think I know. I only learn by asking questions and teasing out what OTHERS know, and then using that to challenge what I thought I knew.

I’ve chosen to largely stay silent about Lee Kuan Yew, even though a year or so ago I was hoping to write some really good stuff about him and his legacy and the implications and all of that. But looking at what people are saying now, I realize that it’s not necessary. People have that stuff covered. There are a lot of smart, articulate people who are figuring out what needs to be said, and they’re saying it. There’s correspondingly a bunch of people who are kinda silly and odd, and they’re saying things that don’t make any sense, that aren’t grounded in any sort of reality… and I allow myself to get frustrated with them. Really, IF I were to be frustrated with anybody I ought to be frustrated with myself. But then it becomes clear that frustration is not a sustainable strategy. Rather, I should approach things with love and understanding and try to figure out what’s stopping me. It might be inertia. We’ll shower and have lunch and then figure it out.

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[1] Although to be fair, I enjoy not-so-polished speeches by people who are really good with their subject matter– Elon Musk, for example, isn’t a master of Public Speaking, but he’s very engaging and entertaining despite his ums and ahs– even arguably BECAUSE of his ums and ahs. It’s endearing. You have to be a little suspicious of people who might be excessively polished. Or maybe that’s just my self-defensive insecurities talking.

[2] I also gave a couple of other talks before about content marketing– one was received really well even though it was messy. For the other, I had a skeptical heckler type in the audience– and apparently he was that way with everyone else, so I don’t know what was up with that guy. Either way, each public performance like this helps me feel less and less like a fraud. I find myself responding to queries with anecdotes and examples that I’ve collected over the years, so I’m not entirely grasping at straws…. though I am more aware now of all the things that I am not so aware of.