It’s a new week. I had a silly minor epiphany yesterday: I ought to get really good at my job. I’m not sure why this wasn’t obvious before- maybe it took me some time to get into the swing of things. I’ve been working since February- so it’s been about six months. I’ve learnt quite a bit, but I’m not satisfied with the quality and quantity of my output. I know I can do more, and I know I can do better. It’s funny, I finally have the opportunity to truly exercise all the skills, concepts and ideas I’ve learnt about over the years. I’ve got a kickass opportunity to learn and deliver, and yet I catch myself coasting from time to time. This will not do. I can do more, I must do more.

I arrived at this thought while decluttering my online life- sorting and deleting bookmarks, pruning. I was thinking that I needed to eliminate the non-essential and identify what I ought to focus on. This is a never-ending thing, isn’t it? But I’m thinking of a more long-term thing, 2-3 years down the line. And I realize I wouldn’t really be content getting really good at doing introspective pieces or social commentary columns. I think I’ll always do them and I’d like to get better at doing them for their own sake, like learning to get better at the guitar. But I think that doesn’t hit the spot, doesn’t give me the deeper sort of satisfaction that I think is lacking in my life.

I’m well aware of the pitfalls and illusions- or at least, I’m aware the they exist. Satisfaction is a moving target, you’ll never be satisfied. A lot of life satisfaction comes from simple things like a good book, good conversations with friends, the right lighting and mood (lifting some of this from Jason Silva’s short video on ecstasy, which I thoroughly concur with.) That strikes me as a sort of spiritual masturbation though- which, like physical masturbation, I think can be very healthy and positive, or it can also become a sort of crutch, an addiction. But an addiction to a good, healthy and wholesome life doesn’t seem to be a particularly bad deal. A lot of satisfaction is about perspective, frame of reference, mindfulness, compassion, gratitude, kindness. I wonder if it’s possible to overdose on kindness or develop a gratitude addiction.

So once we get those subjectives out of the way- internal variation, which can account for most of the quality of one’s life experience, what next? Analogy: it’s wonderful to learn to love one’s body no matter what, but that love should inform one’s actions, right? You should know what you can’t change, but your love for yourself should eventually lead you to being healthy, exercising and eating well, no? What if it doesn’t? What if your subjective internal lens allows you to justify self-abuse? I think there are two failsafes to that- emotions and peers. It’s unlikely that you’ll be happy and unhealthy… actually it’s really hard to talk about this. So complex and everything is subjective. What is healthy? What is happy? Need better questions.

How about this- we assume that healthier = happier, but would you rather be healthy and unhappy or happy and unhealthy? Supposing that there are no middle options. It’s still complicated depending on the lasting nature of either. I have a friend who had some body issues who then channeled it into obsessively getting fit and healthy to the point that it affected her social life.

Then it gets interesting- some of the hardcore fitness community asserts that you should always eat clean, avoiding alcohol and any unhealthy food even at festive occasions with family. They argue that if your friends and family encourage you to be unhealthy in any way, then you need new friends and family. Seems a little extreme, but that’s easy for a skinnyfat cigarette smoker to say.

What if such a life brings greater net joy and happiness? The friend I described earlier has since loosened up slightly and indulges sometimes, while remaining incredibly fit and healthy. I’m incredibly proud of her, her focud and dedication. It’s a sort of relentless energy I enjoy witnessing. People like that give you permission to be more then you are, just by showing you how it’s done.

So there’s that element of imbalance, right? What started as body image issues became the fuel for a fit machine, and despite some dark days the end-state was a more global optima. I suppose the same question is asked by creatives- should you allow your despair to influence your art, or should you fix it where you stand, sans art? Should I nurture things like jealousy and narcissism with the intention of channeling them to hopefully productive pursuits? How does that measure up to the detached, grateful life?

Now that’s a question I’d like to ask successful people. Many tend to focus on the world rather than themselves- oh, I was frustrated with this problem so I had to fix it… aren’t these things typically perceived as neurotic? Would people be happier? What if Steve Jobs was happy with what he did early on and left it at that- go home and be a family man.

A part of me is aware that all of this is partially a parlour game- discussions people have to distract themselves from doing work. Should I be happy or be healthy? Bitch please, think about that question over some steamed chicken breast or a nice long run, not cigarettes and alcohol. Worrying about this is premature optimization, one of those questions buddha said not to give a fuck about. But it does inform your big picture, doesn’t it? I imagine my boss would say that it’s okay not to have a clear big picture- you know you want to be happy and healthy to some degree, so take actions that help you achieve one or the other or both, and you can refine as you go.

Happiness and health, satisfaction and influence, they can and do overlap. An old friend told me that I want respect but don’t give it or earn it. He’s quite right. I don’t just want respect out of the sky, though. I feel weird when people tell me they like my writing because this is shit. I don’t want to be respected for who I am, I want to grow and develop myself into somebody who makes a real difference. Writing in this passive journalistic sense doesn’t quite cut it. Journalism is awesome when it asks the tough questions and breaks news, but not so impressive when you’re either a government mouthpiece or an armchair critic. I watched the national day rally yesterday and it was fun to participate in the twitterverse while it was happening, but really I didn’t achieve anything particularly fruitful. Education is a pretty noble thing- you make a real difference in people’s lives. But if you join the MOE and work as a teacher in a school I imagine that it’s an incredibly frustrating experience.

It’s pretty clear to me that entrepreneurship is the best way to make a difference, because then you chart uncharted territories and build new things. I know, that’s a really blunt statement. I’m a big fan of Tong Yee and School Of Thought, which tie entrepreneurship and education together.

reached work, gotta cut this short- what I’m getting at is how it’s more important to do stuff than to talk about stuff, and for the most part I talk about stuff. I’ll be able to do more for the world if I do stuff. This isn’t a particularly new realization, but I think it’s important to revisit it and use it to compel me to act- and I think I’m still figuring out precisely what it is that I’m going to do that’s good and meaningful.

Learn as we go