All right, writing time. Decided to take the stairs down instead of the lift because what the heck, it’s only 6 floors. My classroom in VS used to be on the 7th floor. A little bit of exercise, gets the heart rate up, takes no time at all, feels good. A little bit warmer on the inside. Simple behavioural change which I could probably make a habit off. I haven’t done my squats-in-the-shower routine for a few days because I’ve been feeling tired and lethargic- probably a mix of dehydration and lack of sleep. But I feel nice and clearheaded now and I know I should always exploit clearheaded moments… which is why I’m writing.

I want to get a lot more reading and writing done and I’d like it to be a more focused process. I need to build my focus muscle- I just had a momentary “maybe you should check twitter or Whatsapp moment”. Writing can and should be a no compromise thing for me. Oh yeah I was thinking about re-reading freedomspotting. I loved that idea about a truly free person not having to make any decisions because it’s just internal energy + external randomness. That somehow makes a lot of sense to me even though I’m incapable of articulating it at the moment. But this is me writing without deciding, writing because of internal energy + external randomness. Good. Beautiful.

What can we explore? Two thoughts, access to sexual images and… general tidiness? Erm. I lost my train of thought when thinking about sexy girls again.

Context: I have lots of pictures of sexy girls on my tumblr. I’m an equal-opportunity sort of guy so I also post pictures of sexy men, and tech news, and all sorts of stuff- quotes, science, art, philosophy, sex, everything. I subscribe to a couple of sexy subreddits in addition to all the geeky marketing stuff and tech stuff and intellectual stuff. I like to look at girls- prerry girls, fit girls, sexy girls, sometimes naked girls. There’s a part of my brain that lights up when a pretty girl upvotes an answer of mine on Quora even if she’s not particularly authoritative on anything.

I’m not a porn addict or anything. I’m a happily married man with a beautiful wife. I like to check women out, and I try my best to be as cursory and discreet about it as possible. I hate the idea of objectifying women, and I think some very ignorant men ruin dating and inter-gender (being heteronormative here) interactions for everyone else. I think it’s important that women feel comfortable and safe. But I also think people should be able to flirt and smile and have those pleasant little interactions with strangers. I think in general people are not having enough good sex, be it solo or duo or multiplayer. Our attitudes towards sex are sadly juvenile and full of exaggeration, hyperbole…

Wait why am I talking about sex? I’m juggling multiple thoughts here, let’s lay them out.

1- we’re immature about sex, which actually makes it more boring and less fun

2- we obsess too much about sex, which is ironic, because…

3- we need to make some progress on the way we deal with and talk about sex

4- dating and romance is generally shit, nobody really teaches you about it, intelligent, thoughtful discussions about them are hard to find and typically away from the centers of broad cultural discourse

I’m getting vague and abstract here. There’s a TedTalk about love/sex/romance that everybody needs to watch because we all deserve more enlightened perspectives on desire and security and communication and relationships. Very philosophical and deeply true.

Now having pointed out all that- which I will horribly describe as talking about the importance of proper nutrition and exercise and general health- I find it necessary to turn to thoughts about addiction, excess, impulse. Sugary candy, cigarettes, alcohol, sexy pictures, words and thoughts.

I hesitate to say pornography because it’s such a loaded term. I think porn stars like Stoya and James Deen are pretty awesome for a bunch of great reasons- Stoya writes beautifully and has a killer mind- but for the most part I’m far more interested in, say, anonymous amateurs on r/gonewild or tumblr. I find it boring and stale to compartmentalize things like sexual and intellectual attraction- I think every element of a person is a part of a continuum of overlapping spheres.

Attraction then is a general phenomena that’s expresses and manifested in many different ways. This is why it’s possible to be jealous of your wife’s straight female boss, because she’s attracted to her in an intellectual sense, any sense. There’s a sense that the third person somehow is able to forge a connection at a frequency that you might not relate to or identify with. The gay male dance instructor who might have his way with her in a way that makes you uncomfortable even though there is no sexual desire there- dancing with your wife makes him just crave some juicy cock up his ass or in his mouth. There’s still something, isn’t it? Jealousy is rooted in insecurity- a worry that your partner might not want you if she does not need you because she can fulfill her needs elsewhere. But that’s a setting sun mindset and it’s just depressing to get into. (Let’s not get into cuckolding… that’s not for 101).

Wow I’m trying to discuss very different things. What I wanted to talk about is… how it’s possible to love candy and fast food like crazy even if you’re living healthily, or trying to. Some people “eat clean and train dirty”. There’s a certain yin-yang elegance to that. But others may experiment with it and find that despite eating clean and training dirty, they still have the craving to eat dirty. I know tastes can change but why should I be a vegan if meat is delicious? (This almost sounds like justification for cheating on a romantic partner, but it should never be used as such. Agreements should be honoured. You can’t hurt a vegetable’s feelings by eating steak.) Well maybe being a vegan is healthier. How committed am I to achieving absolutely every global maxima possible? Is that even worth doing? I imagine not. Surely that’s overkill. Or is it? What I do know is that you typically have to pick one battle at a time, so if you’re working on getting better at playing the guitar, you probably won’t simultaneously be able to achieve a personal best at work unless you’ve really formed those habits… it’s all pretty complex and it’s hard to make valid general statements so I don’t think I should even try.

All I’m saying is… I enjoy candy, I enjoy cigarettes, and I enjoy things that are attractive in any sense, sexual, intellectual, whetever. I do know that I hate this at annoying feeling of overconsumption and binging… deja vu, I’ve written about this before. This insight itself isn’t new but the chalenge is figuring out how to implement it in a sustainable way that informs your behaviour. How do you change habits once you acknowledge they need changing? That’s a different question from how do you know if you really, truly want to change something? And that too is a different question from how should you allocate your cognitive resources? That’s probably the most important question. As it stands I’m about to reach home and I’ve written a blogpost that’s messy, convoluted, inconsistent, maybe even horrid.

But I don’t care, I’m committed to seeing this journey through. This is the dragon I must slay- 1000 x 1000 words. I think I’m better suited to it than anything else. I don’t know if I should really exercise or really quit smoking- I mean I DO, but I have niggling doubts and a sense of obligation and “oh well, I guess I ought to, it’s good for me.” But writing is something I’d do even if it hurt, if it were bad for me, if… you know what I mean. I will out-write myself. If there is some sort of certainty in my life this might be it. My wife has loads of potential and would be a better writer/thinker than me if she put herself out there, but nobody’s going to put themselves out there as much as me. Or something like that. Fuck it, this is just a sketch. Dinner time. I will be better tomorrow.