Work today. Stuff I’m proud of:

1: I avoided feeding a troll today. I’m typically someone who’s fairly easy to troll. I’m someone who can be rather insecure and easily offended. I also can rarely resist the urge to get into an argument, because I like to think that I’m good at arguments, and it gives me a feeling of busyness. It’s like playing candy crush maybe. The act of argument triggers “low-lying fruit” in my pleasure circuitry (I’m so sorry that my understanding of neuroscience is so horrible but you know what I mean). It becomes something like smoking or masturbating: feels good, achieves little. I avoided that to some degree,  and that felt great. Remember Visa, Elon Musk does not have time to argue with people. He speaks only before broad self-selected audiences, and works on problems in the interim. (That’s part of the problem of Facebook, in my opinion- there’s a slightly negative social outcome when people get roped into discussions they didn’t opt-into. This can be positive or negative depending on the context and it’s remarkably hard to manage.  Anyway I want to be spending progressively less time on Facebook because I want to spend my time doing ‘deep work’- work that emerges from extensive consideration and rumination…

2: I started and completed a blogpost at work within a couple of hours. This is a big deal to me because for some reason my work-related blogposts are slow, laggy, lethargic. I think it has to do with perfectionism borne of being accountable to somebody, which kept me from doing my best… I wonder if there’s a part of me that rather be perceived as lazy than incompetent. Well- lazy IS incompetent. You’re incompetent either way, Visa, so wake the fuck up and get to work.

3: in proud of myself for developing this habit of writing on the trains. This is the 3rd or 4th large vomit that I’m doing on my commute and it feels fucking incredible. It makes me feel like I’m making real progress with myself. I still haven’t practiced meditation yet- not sure why I’m putting it off- but I’m writing. That’s the best part. Writing writing writing everyday.  No excuse not to. Word vomit on the train is an elegant proposition, like squats in the shower or a jug of water in the fridge. Speaking of which,  I need to have some healthy snacks at home. I need to incorporate a ‘cycling’ practice at work- I’ve been meaning to test this idea, that physically changing my location at regular intervals will improve my productivity.

Most important insights… don’t try to do things all at once. Chunk chunk chunk. Baby steps. I haven’t done my poached article yet- what will I write about? I’m such a bloody perfectionist! Seriously need to kill the bugger. Hopefully writing about this day in and day out will make a difference. Sorry if you’re bored. (I’m not doing this to help or entertain you anyway. Why are you even reading this? )

An insight I had that I’m probably repeating- it’s important to schedule stuff in advance because it’s so hard to make good decisions at the end of a work day.

I made an odd call today that I’m not sure what to think of. I was at work and being productive, but it was getting late and I was going to be late for remedial training. But I was on a roll! I decided it was more important to me to keep the productivity going, and I completed the post I was working on. Success!  And yet a kind of pyrrhic victory. I want to reach a stage where I become a responsible, trustworthy person who’s always on time for appointments. Seriously my tardiness is just insulting and disrespectful to everyone and that’s not who I want to be. So I’m commiting to simple things like going to work on time, going to bed on time… 16 year old Visa  would kill me for saying this but I need more structure in my life. Structure will allow me to massively increase my output, which will literally transform the game I’m having.

Heh I just had a funny recursive thought about how I’m repeating myself and I’m sorry for repeating myself and how even that apology is repetitive… I make no apologies for that though. Children learn through repetition, all learning involves repetition and if repeating this plays a role in reshaping my brain then I will do it!

It occurred to me while I was at work that there’s more stuff that can be done than there is time to do it. I know, this technically applies to life itself, but it’s a strange and unfamiliar problem if you’re used to a life of trying to minimize discomfort.

What are the best things I can do? Colonize the acquisition channels. Do some reading. Motivate my peers. Act. 80/20 bro.

(Just caught myself resenting someone for playing candy crush on the train. Why so judgemental visa? Psuedo-psychanalysis: I resent people who remind me of my own negative properties. So if I make a big deal about candy crush it’s because… even though I don’t play it, I recognize it for what it is: a trivial and mundane addiction. This reminds me- I’ve actually had negative reactions to watching friends and loved ones using Facebook. What the fuck! You condescending prick, how hypocritical can you get? I know, I know. I’m sorry.

In random news I just paused to buy some fruitella sweets and I realized that if there’s something called an addict personality or archetype, I probably fit it to some degree and it has some parallels or symbiotic intertwining. What’s the relationship between addiction and general responsibility, if any? Are there people who’re highly responsible in one sphere, but say, substance addicts in another? I imagine it’s possible, and it’s highly complex, and I’m generalizing it in a way that doesn’t do justice to the general picture.

There’s something there, though. Binge eating, drinking, sleeping, smoking, etc. Anybody got any good links to read about these things? Will look them up on my own time otherwise