I’ve turned into one of those people glued to their smartphones on the train. I just got my first smartphone a few days ago- a galaxy note 2. I’m determined not to play mindless games to pass time- rather, I’m going to spend my daily commute writing. That’s okay, right? I spent a week trying to be mindful and meditative during my commute but damn it’s hard, especially with the crowds and frequent stops. So it makes more sense to me to spend it reading or writing. That’s not so bad, right?

—

The main question that’s been on my mind for a few years really- apart from things like “how am I going to put food on the table”- is “what is the greatest good I can do in this world?” Which is a slightly glorified way of asking “what should I do with my life”, once you’ve accepted that the answer to that is “serve others”. So I’m really asking- how can I BEST serve others? I’m not looking for what feels best, I’m looking for what IS best.

I used to volunteer at prisons and it was remarkably fulfilling and soul-enriching. I went in there naively thinking I was gonna help them, ‘heal’ them- but really, they healed me- of aches and ailments I didn’t even know I had.

But would that have been the best use of my time? I don’t think that’s very likely. There’s a small chance that someone I helped might go on to play a role in something amazing but that doesn’t seem very likely. I don’t mean to put those guys down- just that there are surely other things to do, other ways I can reach out to people who would then be in a prime positron  to reach out to others in turn. Teachers do that I suppose. Every amazing teacher I’ve had deserves credit for any success I might ever be blessed with. So do the authors who’ve written books that inspire me. And what of the teachers that taught mine, and the inspirations of those whom inspired me in turn? Surely they deserve credit too. You quickly see how credit attribution is continuous rather than discrete. Everybody and nobody deserves credit for everything and nothing, in varying degrees.

That’s fine and all but how does that help me make a decision? I suppose I have to do what sets me on fire- better to be really really good at something good than be mediocre at something great.

I think it was Alain De botton who said that despair is often a matter of low blood sugar or something like that. I strongly related to that yesterday- it was a Sunday and I just felt so TIRED. I stayed having really negative thoughts. I started feeling angry, cheated, frustrated, shortchanged. I wanted time and space to myself, I wanted to relax, to unwind. But that wasn’t an option because there was work to be done, cleaning, grocery shipping to do. When does a guy just get to sit on his ass and zone out for a day?

And then inside my head I started being really unfair to her- was she saving all this stuff for me, didn’t she know how tired I must be from working- yeah I love my job but it’s still rough it’s still tough… and then I felt guilty because she was in that position so many times before and I was always the one bumming- and even then I’d rationalize that I was working on something important… times like these you call out to what some people call god and you ask- why am I like that? Why can’t I be a better person?

Time management is so so so important. Why is this a lesson that only begins to reveal its value when you’re in a position like this? Like learning the importance of swimming lessons only when you strangely find yourself in the deep end. At least it’s not like I’m dying of cancer or something. Well not as far as I know at least. But it hits me anyway. Nobody could have possibly told me that one day I world have the opportunity to pursue my dreams but I’d insult it because I’d stuck at time management. It’s sad, sobering, humbling. I suppose there’s no point asking why- or I’d be like the man who, being shot with a poisoned arrow, is frustrated and wants to know who shot him- instead of attempting to remedy the problem.

So I have a very real issue here that needs fixing. A part of me acknowledges this. The problem might be that the other part of me has much more practice and traction in gaining consensus in the swarm that is my mind. It uses cheaper tactics and appeals to base impulses. Interestingly there are parallels between this conflict and the one I perceive to be happening at a global scale. There’s a certain fractallian  here- the battle amongst men modelling after the battle within men and vice versa. Perhaps that’s why large epics are so compelling- not just because they’re epic with lots of power and majesty but because the battle for good and evil cuts through every man.

So here’s something exciting to contemplate, and it’s a matter of framing- I don’t have to become an international figure to confront demons- I can confront those within me. If the recursion is real- and I have faith that this is so because of the beautiful order of our universe- then conquering my own demons would be my first and most decisive step in confronting what I perceive as a global blight within humanity. Da vinci said we can have no dominion greater or lesser than over ourselves- and I feel like I understand that a little better now.

Going back to the feeling of despair- I managed to wash it away with a cold shower, some slightly meditative thinking and a reminder within myself to be grateful. I asked for the life I’m living, and I’m living it. Few in the world get such a luxury. I was overjoyed to be in such a position and that joy should not be diminished when the going gets tough.