It’s 10:39pm and I just met a friend for kopi. It was pleasant and good. We met at about 9pm, and I decided to set an alarm at 10:15pm, and we ended up leaving on time. That felt particularly awesome. I think we often fall into this trap where we meet our friends, or we proceed on some sort of aimless, directionless task (note that aimless isn’t a bad thing- sometimes the most important thing is to do something aimless, so that you can land on some things that you might not have expected)- we end up spending way too much time on it. The longer we spend on it, the longer we spend on it. This is the story of my online life, where I’ve probably spent thousands of hours staying up too late on the internet, doing absolutely fuckall.

So the idea of a limit is something that’s interesting to me. Now, I don’t believe in living life by schedule. I don’t believe in blocking up your time into convenient packets and pretending that life can be segmented- no, absolutely not. Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. To live so rigidly- that’s an extreme I’ve always intuitively known that I never want any part of.

That said, the opposite end of the spectrum is almost just as “rigid” in its consistency. It’s rigid when you look at the hours- every day, without fail, I wasted time on the internet aimlessly. It doesn’t seem obvious going forward, but on hindsight, that’s a really rigid habit! So that needs to be broken. If you live by the principle of “no rigidity, maximum freedom”, it makes sense to have some checks and balances in place to prevent yourself from falling into a subconcious sinkhole.

So the idea behind having limits isn’t necessarily to stick to them religiously- the idea is to be conscious. To be mindful. To know how long you have been spending on a particular task. If the conversation is absolutely riveting, then when the alarm goes, you can simply ignore it- or set another alarm for an hour later- such constraints must be flexible, and we must allow good conversation to flourish when it happens. But when things aren’t working, the alarm is a reminder to get up and to re-evaluate the usefulness of the present circumstances- would everybody like to tie things up and get other things done with their day/time? Yes, they would. Let’s go.

I have a few tasks I’d like to complete tonight before I go to bed. I’d like to reply a particular email. I’d like to finish a particular article. But I’d also like to go to bed early, preferably before 11:30pm, definitely before midnight. No matter what, if I’m staying up past midnight, online, it better be for a damn good reason- I must be helping someone with something important, or maybe I must be making money.

Money is an interesting thing. I value it disproportionately more now than usual because I’m exceptionally broke. I imagine some people start out this way, but without reflection and checks and balances, we start to overwork- we stay up all night to make money when we’re broke, but if we continue this workaholic behaviour even when we’re financially secure, the habit ceases to make rational sense. Once you’re financially secure, that additional dollar isn’t nearly as valuable as a good night’s rest, time spent with loved ones, etc. So it’s important to constantly re-evaluate yourself. (But you don’t want to be re-evaluating at every passing moment, so it makes sense to schedule moments of re-evaluation- ultra-small ones at the start, middle and end of every day [5 mins], longer ones at the end of each week [30 mins], even longer ones every month or every time a major project is completed, or at every major life event. You can’t entirely plan for these things, but I think it’s exceedingly clear to me that things like “Liberty”, “Freedom” and “Independence” are things that exist at their most exalted only in appropriate doses. Too much freedom can be stifling if you’re not careful. An obsession with freedom is something that ties you down, and one needs to be free from the obsession of being free. It all sounds rather paradoxical and convoluted, like something exceedingly and endlessly complex- and it is, and yet at the same time it’s also remarkably simple. We can’t kick up too much of a dust, for otherwise we will be unable to see.

It seems to me that there will always be some degree of wisdom and insight that are beyond words. The bandwidth of experience exceeds the bandwidth of communication. And perhaps the bandwidth of emotion exceeds the bandwidth of experience. So we feel more than we know, and we know more than we can say- and we can never say everything we feel, because by definition a significant bulk of our feelings are beyond words.

It’s nice to think about, but again, how long can you do that for? There are diminishing returns to the pleasures of such contemplation- after some thought, we must do. After some action, we must pause to reflect. There is a certain cycle that emerges that is most ideal, and I think living in this cycle brings the greatest joy.

On to more mundane things- I really need to get a job! If anybody has any use for me, please do contact/email me and let me know. I’m good with words, and I’m good with people when I have to be, and I’m at a stage in my life where I’m particularly ambitious and driven to make something of myself. I believe in empowering others, I believe in learning and sharing and having fun. I’m sure you could use me on your team, whatever it is you do- or you at least know somebody who does. C’mon, be a bro, hook me up! 😛 This vomit is ending. I’m going to switch to another task. See you tomorrow. Bedtime 11:30pm.