0380 – what I’m leaving behind

I have a lot of things I’m going to leave behind. I’m going to leave behind the bullshit that I don’t know what’s going on. I know exactly what’s going on. Everything I do is a choice. Everything I do not do is a choice. I’m in control here. It’s all up to me.

I’m leaving behind the stupid idea that I should care what other people think. Fuck what other people think. Other people aren’t paying my bills. Other people don’t have to sleep at night with my thoughts in their head. Other people don’t have to wonder, “What if?” with regards to me. I have been squandering my gifts. There are a bunch of reasons for that, and I don’t need to get into all of them right now. Maybe I never will, and that won’t matter as long as I’m moving forward. What does it take to move forward? I just need to act on the thing in front of my face. And then pick the next most important thing, and act on that. Right now, this is about proving to myself that I can do what I set out to do. And I set out to write this and I’m writing this.

I wanna change, right? Yes. I don’t want to be who I was. I’m tired of being who I was. That was a really limited life. That was a really cheesy, elaborate, anxious, silly version of me. That was my naive, nervous, broken self. That’s fine. I want to be better. I want to be wiser. I want to be bigger. I want to be stronger. I want to be clearer. I want to be able to navigate reality with strength and power. Physical strength for one, psychological and emotional strength on top of that. The power and ability to focus my mind like a fucking laser. Nobody is stopping me, only me. I’m carrying all this inherited bullshit in my mind because it never fully, properly occurred to me that I can toss it all off my back. Tomorrow when I wake up in the morning, it’s going to all come back. The same bullshit is going to replay in my mind again, that I’m not worthy yet, that I’m not powerful enough yet, that I’m not aware enough yet, that I’m not smart enough yet. All of that is crap.

I’m not going to be who I was anymore. I have made some small progresses here and there, and all of those little progresses were just little tests, little rehearsals for the big one, which is now. I’m an adult. I’m a human being. I’m alive. I’m awake. Reality is in front of my face and I’m going to confront it. Fuck social media. Fuck that thing where I wake up every morning and check my phone because I wonder what’s other people are thinking. It doesn’t matter what other people are thinking. What am I going to do when I wake up first thing in the morning? I’m going to read one of the many books that I’ve picked out for myself. I’m going to delete the stupid game from my phone that I’ve been playing for the past week or so. Fuck it. Nothing good comes out of it. It’s distraction. If I need to distract myself for a few moments, I’m going to meditate. Sit and pay attention to my breathing. Pay attention to the patterns I’m repeating.

I’m going to become a novelist. I’m going to become a writer of significance. I’m going to make a lot of what people read everyday look like really stupid shit, because it is. I’m going to write things that open people’s minds, that make people go “Huh, I never thought of that, that’s so true, wow.”  This is my decade. This is my peak existence. The world is my oyster right now, and it won’t always be. I will write short stories. I will write essays. I will write whatever the fuck it takes to light up my own life, and other people will find that useful too.

I’m going to struggle. I’m not going to lie down any more. I’m not going to be limp any more. There are 7.2 billion people in the world. 7,200,000,000. If 7,000,000,000 of them are full of shit, there’s still 200,000,000 people that I can reach out to, that I can help out, that I can become a part of, that I can grow with, learn with.

I’m going to burst free from my circumstances. I’m going to break through. I’m going to tear apart the nonsense that I’ve been sleeping in. When I wake up in the morning I’m going to read something good. I’m going to write something shortly afterwards. I’m going to meditate and reset my mind. I’m going to repeat my mantra. I can. I can. I’m made for it. I’m designed for it. I’m born for it. I’m going to keep going. I’m going to keep learning on my commute, and then I’m going to put together a plan for my work and then I’m going to fucking execute it. I will be a force of nature like nothing else I have personally ever witnessed. I’m going to make the people around me go, “Whoa, what the fuck was that?”

And I’m not going to care about that, either. It’s just an indicator. I won’t sit around talking to people about it. I won’t get distracted. I’m tired of being distracted. I’m just going to focus. I’m just going to get rid of all the fucking distractions. My mind has been craving for focus. My mind has been craving to be taken to a higher level and I’m the one that’s responsible for it. And so I’m going to discard all the old shit. I’m going to throw shit out of the window. I’m starting over. It’s me versus me, and I’m going to win. It’s me versus my bullshit, and I’m going to win. It’s me versus my ignorance and my outdated little fears and worries and anxieties, and I’m going to win. I’ve already won, it’s just putting in the daily work now to pull that reality towards me.

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