0379 – I can

I’m feeling rather impatient. I find myself thinking that I should be done with this word vomit project already. But I’m not, so I have to do it. I want to keep going and I want to be done. I guess there’s a bunch of reading that I should do, and I want to get to it as fast as possible. There’s work I want to do too, and I should get to that as fast as possible. Right now all I can do in this very moment is to write, so I’m going to write. I’m a little worried that this feeling might pass, and so I guess I should get it down into a post so that I can revisit it.

The true villain is time. The fact that we all die. That I’m going to die. I’d like to convince myself that I’m not afraid of death– that when it comes I’ll embrace it like a dear old friend. That’s the ideal goal, isn’t it? But I’m not ready to die yet. There’s a lot more I want to do. [1]

I find myself wishing that I was significant to the planet. To the species. That I consult with the best, that I operate at a higher plane than I’m currently on. I feel like I’m destined for greatness– and I have to define that for it to make sense, so that it’s not just some fancy wishful thinking that anybody can do, that we all do as a form of escapism to avoid our present circumstances. I want to confront my circumstances and take them down. I recognize that the world ahead of me is a challenge, a puzzle, and that I can and will grow and conquer it. I’ll die eventually, but not before having conquered. Not before blazing a path of glory for others to follow and learn from. Not before I help millions of people. I want to smile, I want to wake up in the morning and feel significant. And I already am significant to some people, in some ways. The challenge is to attack those problems directly. To hit strong and hard, to lean into the pain.

I was re-watching a couple of videos of Aaron Swartz after rediscovering his writing. The man is dead, that’s a tragedy. But his ideas and perspectives live on, and it’s up to people like me to represent them to keep them alive. I believe there’s a better way of being. I believe there’s a better way of seeing. I believe there’s a better way, and that the only way I can fight for it is to embody it, to represent it. I have to violently attack and discard the things that no longer help me. That no longer make sense. That no longer represent the ideals that I believe in. I need to pursue truth. I need to rip out all the broken bullshit that I’ve been carrying with me for so long. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I’m an adult now. I’m a man now. I’m in charge of my life, nobody else. I’m responsible for how I feel, nobody else. I’m responsible for what I choose to do, nobody else. Every moment is a precious opportunity begging to be seized. And I want to seize them all. I don’t want to give up on myself anymore. I don’t want to quit anymore because things were hard, because things were uncomfortable, because I was afraid of what people would think about me. Clearly it’s much better to have shipped things than to be anxious in the harbor, wondering what if. Fuck it. Publish. Ship. If people think I’m dumb, I can apologize, I can respond, react, start over. I can add more. I can fill more. I have courage. I have conviction. I have faith that my current circumstances are not a jail. Like everything else in existence, they are only temporary. And I will get what I fight for. Reality will not take care of me. Reality does not give a shit. Reality simply is. The way for me to navigate it is to identify and understand the truths and the reality. The first rule is that you do not fool yourself, and you’re the easiest person to fool.

Just because something feels good doesn’t mean it’s right. A lot of stupid things feel good. I’m short-sighted. I don’t know much. I have a whole bunch of false beliefs and ideas. The only thing I can actually do is to seize the present moment. To focus in the moment about what needs to happen next. I’m thinking I should write a bunch of vomits right now. I can do maybe 3. Or I could do something else. Fuck it, I’m deciding that I’m going to write a few more vomits. I’m just going to blaze through. I have power. I have strength. I have abilities. I have been doing this for years now, I’m not a newbie. I’m not a rookie. I’m not a child. I am where I am, and this is temporary, and I already know what I need to do in order to get to the next step. To go to the next level. I can make myself proud. I can make my loved ones proud. And we can be far more than what we are now.

I can. I can. I can.


[1] And I know that my to-do list will still be overflowing when I’m on my deathbed. That’s fine. That’s a part of it. But I’d like to have done some of the good stuff before that. I’d like to do all the good stuff now. I should’ve run at some point over the past couple of days. I haven’t. That’s fine. I’m just going to write in a blaze of glory and then I’m going to shower and go to bed, and wake up fresh and clear. That’s the plan. And I think my body will listen to me. I feel like my body is ready to listen to me today. That’s a privilege and and honour, and I’m going to honour it with this writing.

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